To Keep Going On

9. A part of Himself

FLASHBACK

Forth walked inside his house and slumped down on the floor right beside the couch. "What have I done? What the fuck have I done?"

How come he was back to the spot he was three months ago after realizing he had fucked up big time after first shouting at his years long crush and then fucking him senseless moments later. And now...

"Shit" was all he could say. What did he do? Why did he do that? How could he just do that to Beam? His Beam...

Or was he ever his Beam?

He thought he knew Beam, he knew Pha. But... why would everyone say the things they said about Beam? All the girls he heard talking about Beam around him, how they had been with him, how they wanted to be with him again. How Beam was a chick magnet but he didn't have it in him to settle down for anyone.

He just couldn't help thinking how cloud Beam, who was addicted to soft skins, boobs and pussies could settle with someone like him. How could he who liked to fuck girls like people have meals settle getting his own ass fucked by a beast like Forth?

And it wasn't like he talked and listened to Wayo. But what he did to Ming?

Beam tried to ruin Ming's relationship too. He tried to come between Ming and Kit. He told Ming he liked Kit. He told Ming he was dating Kit.

'But why did I do that?' He asked himself. There were many ways to confront Beam. But why this? Why this humiliation? Why would he sink so low and do something to someone you love so much?

Maybe that was it. He loved Beam so deeply, he couldn't bear to get his own heart broken by Beam. He couldn't bear to ask Beam and prove himself to be the fool who blindly got fooled by the person he loved so deeply so he ended up being the one to hurt Beam instead.

But that doesn't make what he did right. Not in a million years. Not after the last three months they spent together. Not after Beam's beautiful eyes twinkling for him, his intoxicating laugh only reserved for him, the pillow talks, the kisses, the songs and the food fights. All the I love yous and I hate yous and all his mood swings and sulking and pouting. No!

He was madly, deeply in love with Beam.

But then he remembered the look in Beam's eye. The dead look, the hurting sobs and the blood. He held his head and let out a painful growl. He felt disgusted by himself. "Why Forth? Why?"

He spent the whole night sitting there against the couch, getting up when the morning light seeped through the windows and he went to the stand there. Beam loved the morning light. 

Damn it! 

"How am I ever gonna get over him? How can anyone ever get over him? He was Beam?" He asked and punched his fist on the glass.

Then how did he have the heart to do what he did? How come he became so cruel? How could he stoop so low and do that to the person he loved? Why? Why? Fucking why?

He was always gonna love Beam. But he was also going to live with the choice he made. He was always gonna feel disgusted by himself.

But...

He can't. He can't do that. He loved Beam... no. Correction. He loves him. He can never fall out of love with Beam. Beam wasn't just stuck in his head or heart. Beam had invaded his heart and captured every inch of it. He ruled his heart and his world. His fingertips recognized Beam's touch. His senses were aware of Beam's presence.