To Keep Going On

80. Welcome, Monsters

(Yup! Here it is! The moment we all have been desperately waiting for. I hope it will be a cute and happy chapter for all and help take away even a little of the stress or pain from your everyday life. 

P.S. New just looks so cute up in that picture!)

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"...I think we go with grey. Or navy? There's even one in sky blue... oh, and a green, but I suppose, navy or grey is the color for boys?" he spoke as he held two little blankets in his hands, frowning at them. "What's really the deal with girl or boy color? They're all colors anyway. What do you think? Kao?"

Thada turned around to look at his fiance who was laid comfortably on the bed with his head raised and leaned against the pillows, staring up at the ceiling with thoughtful eyes while patting his pregnant belly. Thada sighed and zipped the baby bag he was preparing to walk up to Kao and sat down facing him.

"Hey..." he caressed the boy's chubby cheeks to make him look down to meet his eyes. 

"Tha..." Kao mumbled, seemingly surprised. 

Thada stared at his face which seemed quite lost. Then he sighed and scooted closer. "Yeah, I'm here preparing your things for the hospital and you're lost dreaming?" he asked, and Kao bit on his lower lip. Thada sighed and moved yet again to change his position to sit beside the boy and gather him in his arms. "It must be confusing, right? I just shouldn't have told you" he looked down with a sigh, making Kao look at him with lost, puppy eyes.

"I don't know... I don't know what to think or feel..." Kao said, getting Thada's undivided attention, he looked him in the eye and leaned closer to hear him out, his fingers drawing soothing circles on Kao's back. Kao sighed and looked down at his hands. "It's not that you told me... I appreciate it, you not treating me like some fool or keeping things from me. I just... I don't remember my life before I was eight or nine... I used to have flashes here and there when I was little but not anymore. It was like... I was a clean slate. I used to look up at the sky and find a bright, shining star and think, that is my guardian angel, my star, that stays with me, looks over me. That, just like that star, there was someone out there to follow me, look over me, care for me..."

He let out a sigh and looked down at his hands. "I used to run scenarios in my head of how I would one day find my family and ask them why they left me, and they would be like, oh, our baby! We finally found you! We're sorry we lost you!" he giggled, eyes getting teary. "But now you tell me, I'm..." he sighed. "And turns out, I did have guardian angels, I did have someone looking over me, I had your parents looking out for me all these years, paying my dues and giving me anonymous scholarships and jobs and... I don't even know what to think of it. Or who to be. Who do you expect me to be? This person that I am or... or the person you lost. I don't remember, I don't feel anything when I think of P'Brian or the estate or... or... or him..." he blinked. "T-that man in that photo... it was him, right? It was my... my... he was... him..."

"Your father, yes" Thada whispered and kissed Kao's hair. "And you do feel it, you know you do. I know you do, we both remember you feeling it back at the study" he said softly. "And it's okay to not feel familiar or remember it, it's okay to not want to either. And I don't want you to be anyone else, I know who you are to me..."

Kao blinked. He looked up to meet Thada's eyes who offered him a loving smile. 

"But... didn't you want to find him? That boy?" Kao asked, eyes batting innocently, the frown on his face deepening.

Thada blinked. Then he chuckled softly, shaking his head. "Kao... it stopped being about that little boy a long time ago. I'm not even sure it was ever about him. I came to peace with him being gone for good, didn't I? All I want in my life, is you, my little chipmunk" he said and cupped Kao's cheek to plant a gentle, lingering kiss on his lips. He met Kao's gaze with a smile. "I am in love with you! This, here! You and our monsters! That is all I care for! I don't ever want you to be anyone else!" he reassured his lover and when finally, a smile bloomed on Kao's face, he smiled and bumped their foreheads together. "I love you so much, so just stop thinking useless things and help me choose the right blanket! We don't have time!"