13th Doctor x reader

Tears fell again

Your mind was running through the news in your head a million times over. You couldn't hear anything around you. The only thing you could feel was your heart beating in your ears.

You wanted to scream. But you were frozen in your state of shock. You didn't know what to do. Your hand was shaking and you knew the panic was starting to take over. Your breathing picked up dramatically and you felt sick to the stomach.

"(Y/n)?! Are you okay?" Was one of the many things you heard the doctor call out to you in worry.

You shook your head, finally starting to move again. The realisation hitting you like a wave that was drowning you. You dropped your phone and instantly started to run away. You didn't know where to, you just wanted to hide away from the whole universe and never come out again.

You ran down the big root, across the forest floor and away from the doctor and everyone. You just wanted to get away from everything. You ran past so many animals and wonderful creatures but you couldn't admire their beauty like you usually would. You couldn't do anything. You just kept running. And you didn't stop.

Your legs and lungs were burning but you kept going. You didn't know where you were running to until you saw the TARDIS in view. You kept running in its direction, wanting to cut yourself from everything around you.

You practically barged into the TARDIS doors and didn't stop when they hit your body quite painfully hard. That pain was nothing compared to the pain you were experiencing emotionally.

You sprinted down the control room and ran as fast as your legs could carry you down the corridors. You kept running and didn't stop. You couldn't keep doing this. Every time you finally think something is going well in your life something else just chips away at your soul. You couldn't keep going through this. You just wanted it all to stop. Just for it to end.

You kept running, now knowing you were going to find the doctor's room. She took your knife off you last time. That must have been where she was keeping it. Or maybe you could go to the kitchen and grab a knife from there. You just needed something. Something to finally make all of this stop.

Your legs kept running down, searching for knives. But it didn't take long for you to realise that the TARDIS was keeping you in a loop. She wasn't letting you get to those rooms. She wouldn't let you go anywhere near knives. She was keeping you running in the same part of the corridor, again and again. It was obvious she was trying to keep you safe. But you didn't want to be safe. Not anymore. You just wanted it to stop. For good. You couldn't take any of this anymore.

You kept running, your hands in angry fists, your nails digging into your palms. But the TARDIS wasn't budging. She kept you running past the same door. Your bedroom.

Tired of the loop, you decided to open the door to your bedroom and as soon as you entered you fell to your knees, leaning against the wall beside the door. You curled your knees up to your head, burying your face. You were shaking uncontrollably and couldn't breathe. Your heart rate was rocketing. You just wanted it to stop.

Your hands were in strong fists and you could feel the blood pooling in your nails. You just wanted this to have been a terrible nightmare and for you to wake up in bed with everything normal. Everything okay. But you knew this was real. And you lost someone else in your life.

Your whole body was tensed up and you started to sob into your knees, unable to breathe. Your chest was hurting and you felt as though you were dying. You knew you weren't. It was just a stupid panic attack. Which wasn't enough. You wanted to die already. You needed to get yourself out of this living hell already.

You suddenly felt some gentle hands rest on your shoulders. You didn't know who it was but you took a guess that it was probably the doctor.

"(Y/n), listen to me. You're having a panic attack. Just breathe with me" she said.

"I..can't.."you chocked between sobs, it felt like the air was suffocating you.

"Look at me" she said, moving a hand to your face and lifting it up to look into her hazel eyes "breathe in with me, count to seven in your head" she told you.

You did as told, trying to count, which was difficult with the thought of your father lying dead in your mind. But as you concentrated on the counting it became easier, your shaky intake of breath.

"And out again. Count to nine" she told you.

You did as she said, releasing the breath slowly and counting in your head. You felt awful. But you carried on with the doctor, calming your body down. And you were eventually breathing somewhat normally again, still sobbing.

The doctor handed your phone that you dropped from her pocket. You didn't take it, just sobbed some more, not meeting the doctor's sad eyes.

"Joanna just told me" the doctor said to you. "I'm sorry"

You shook your head, shaking a little again.

"I..I didn't even..get to say goodbye" you felt your eyes prickle with tears, a feeling so alien to you now.

"I know" the doctor said softly, her eyes never leaving you.

You placed a hand over your mouth, squeezing your eyes shut as you cried. The doctor wrapped her arms around you, the warmth comforting you somewhat. And it was that moment when you couldn't stop your emotions from welling up inside you. Your body shuddered. And you felt tears trickle down from your eyes. For the first time in years, tears fell again.

You gasped for air as you cried against the doctor's chest, holding onto her with all your strength. She placed a hand on the back of your head, stroking your hair soothingly.

"Wh..what am I..going t..to do?" You sobbed.

"You're going to carry on (y/n). You learn to live with it. And it's going to be difficult but I'm going to be here to help you though it. We all are" She told you.

You cried, your tears drenching her shirt. She kept rocking you back and forth a little, stroking your hair and shushing you. You really had no idea if you were strong enough to do this. Even with the doctor's help. But she held you though your tears, your shaking body slowly coming to a halt as your eyes fell close and you cried yourself to sleep for the first time in several years.