13th Doctor x reader

Sad

You closed your eyes, placing a hand over your throbbing forehead, taking deep, shaky breaths. You couldn't keep doing this. Why should you if the universe was always so against you. For once you could just let it beat you to your knees and just not try and get back up. You couldn't keep fighting like this.

"I'm sorry about your dad (y/n)" the doctor said sadly.

"Sorry's not going to bring him back is it. And I'm still in this disgusting dress that I wore at my own dads funeral which I can't even remember" your voice quivered as you spoke, swallowing down the lump in your throat.

You lowered your hand, opening your eyes. Your eyes came in contact with the suddenly extremely sharp looking shards of glass. You stared at them for a good few seconds, your thoughts of suicide and self harm getting the better of you. And in one swift motion you luged out and grabbed a big shard of glass, lowering it to your arm.

"NO!" The doctor screamed, bolting forward and holding both your arms.

The glass didn't even touch you let alone break any skin before she stopped you.

"Let go!" You shouted, trying to fight against her strong arms.

"Stop this (y/n)!" She shouted, keeping your arms apart and the glass away.

"Just let me die! It'll save both you and me so much trouble!" You shouted.

You shook your head, trying to just stab your self with the glass shard, let yourself bleed out and finally just stop all your suffering. But the doctor was unbelievably strong and no matter how hard you tried, she wasn't going to let you cut yourself. You eventually started to loose hope that you'd be able to do it and your strength started to decline.

"Please..just let go.." you whispered, your arms losing their strength.

You eventually stopped fighting back, allowing the doctor to carefully take away the glass from your hand and gently hold your hands. You were trembling and just wanted to stop already. You didn't need to deal with any of this.

"It's not fair" you whispered as the doctor placed one hand on your shoulder making you wince slightly, gently guiding you away from the broken glass.

"I know. But the universe isn't fair. But you know what, you can either let it beat you to your knees or stand up tall and fight." She said, watching you.

You had your head bowed, your eyes closed in defeat. You shook your head, your throat hurting from the alcohol and the shouting and on top of that the emotion welling up.

"I'm done fighting doctor" you told her. "I just want this all to stop. I can't keep doing this...I'm tired..."

"Listen to me! You are going to get through this I promise. But this isn't the answer" she told you.

You didn't look at her, both her arms reaching your shoulders. You held your breath, really not liking the contact. You hated the idea of being touched in itself and the fact that you were super trapped right now didn't help.

"I want to die doctor. Like...I really just...want to die. I don't want to carry on just please...let me go. No one wants me anyways" you said, trying to pull away from her grasp.

She had you held firmly in place though and you couldn't help but feel like you were being suffocated. You winced, your eyes squeezed shut. You couldn't breathe. She was way too close.

"You are a huge part of my life do you here me. You, Yaz, Ryan, Graham. All of you. And I'm not loosing any one of you." She said to you.

You didn't respond, your body still tense as ever and you still holding your breath. Why was she so close? Back up! You couldn't move, breathe, talk or anything.

She sighed, squeezing your shoulders a little in an attempt to soothe you. It did the opposite.

"Remember when you were sixteen and I first caught you self harming?" She asked.

You were so frozen that you couldn't reply. Of course you remembered. But you couldn't do anything. You were sad. Just...sad. She sighed heavily again, looking at your bowed head.

"I took you to every planet you had ever been on and showed you how much you mattered and how much you were wanted. How much you are wanted. And I'll happily do it again to prove my point. Do I have to take you everywhere again? Because there's even more places to go since then now" she told you "you need to know that you're wanted and I'll prove it to you"

She didn't see a reaction and slumped her head, pulling her arms away from you, thankfully letting you breathe. You gasped intensely and the doctor only just then noticed how uncomfortable you were. She looked apologetically at you but you didn't look at her even then, needing to reply to her comment. You didn't want to go to those planets for the doctor to biggie you up. You didn't want to.

"There's no point going anywhere again because it'll never bring him back will it" you said, squinting your eyes a little.

"And neither will self harm" she said back to you.

"I Wasn't trying to self harm I was trying to end it all, I just want to die now I don't even care anymore. There's no point. Everyone just leaves me in the end don't they. And I'm left to deal with this crap life! Do you even know how hard it is for me to just get up in the mornings?Do you understand that I'd rather just stop and not have to deal with any of it anymore. Everyone's eventually going to get taken away from me so why even try. At least if I end it all I'll finally be at peace and I might even see my family again" you told her.

The doctor swallowed a little, trying to find the right words.

"You need to know that even though there is a lot of hate out there in the universe, there's also a lot of love. And you are so loved (y/n), I don't want you to ever forget that." The doctor said softly. "Just in case you've forgotten today: you are loved"

You shook your head, really not wanting to hear all this bullshit.

"Who the hell would love a person like me in this state?" You questioned, folding your arms.

"You have this idea in your head that the only time you're worthy of being loved is when you are at your best. But you are worthy of being loved when you are at your lowest. You are human and therefore always worthy of being loved, even by yourself, so don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise." The doctor spoke to you.

You stood still, not knowing what to say to that. You sighed, not believing what she said. Sure it all sounded lovely but you weren't worthy of anything. It felt like even death was denying you.

"I need to get dressed." You mumbled, breaking the silence.

"And I want you back in the control room in fifteen minutes. I need to take you somewhere to help with all this" she said.

You nodded, walking away from the kitchen and down to your room. You were so close to getting what you wanted. But she would always stop you. With her strength or with her words of love. Words of love which you couldn't help but not believe you were worthy of hearing.