Super Nova.

Chapter 71

~ Jenna's POV ~

I sat up in the hospital bed looking out the window. Dr. Peters, Cynthia had left me for work and she promised to come back as soon as she could. I hated to take her time, but I couldn't talk to anyone else. I hadn't had the courage to call Chrissy yet because I know she will be so mad. Not for me ending up pregnant but because of the fact that I hadn't called her first thing when I came home.

Cynthia and I had talked to the doctors about my health and they decided I needed to stay a couple more days at the hospital to see if my vitals stayed intact. I think they don't want me to go home because they know I'll fall right back down in the darkness again. At least as long as the ... thing were still inside me.

I closed my eyes and my hand went down and I touched my belly. I mustn't feel for this thing. I can't have no feelings at all. It wasn't going to be a real baby, it's just a lump of ... I don't know ... a lump of nothing in there.

My tears started to fall and I opened my eyes and looked out on the gray March day outside my window. I wondered what Marshall and the girls were doing in this moment. Living on, not knowing about the ... thing. I need to distance myself from this kind of thoughts. They weren't allowed.

I shook my head and dried my tears on the hospital gown they had put on me. I hated the smell of it. I wanted my own clothes, my jeans and a top and my own underwear, not the too large granny panties they made me wear. But I knew that if someone should get my own things it has to be Chrissy.

I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and tried to open it. It didn't have any battery and I felt both sad and relieved, now I couldn't phone Chrissy, even if I wanted. Which I didn't. I threw it to the end of the bed and sighed, I was so confused, I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted to be strong and like, normal but I didn't know how because strong was the last thing I was right now. And normal, had I ever been normal?

As long as I could remember I had felt different from others. In junior high, my classmates had stayed away from me because I wasn't talking, I didn't have the right clothes and I didn't ever bring someone home after school or had a birthday party.

Birthday? Why the hell should we celebrate your fucking birthday? Your birth was a fucking mistake from the beginning you stupid fuck.

In high school everyone just had given up on me. I just wanted to read and not be bothered. They even tried to pick on me from time to time but they stopped because I didn't care. They couldn't know that the school was my sanctuary and the things they did to me was nothing compared to what my father did.

Get over here and I'll show you, you cunt! I said get over here. Don't make me chase you, I'll swear to god I'll fucking kill ya!

In college I was like air. No one saw me, heard me or gave a care about me. All I ever wanted was to get good grades and of course to get out of the horror home I was stuck in otherwise. Same in university. I had one really good professor who took me under her wings and helped me to pull through but sadly she moved away my last year. It was thanks to her i got the job at the library and I really miss her sometimes.

Why the fuck do you work at a fucking library? Trying to get more dull than you already are, idiot? You are a sad fucking whoe!

The only ones who has treated me as a person was my brother, Chrissy and Emily. And Marshall of course. And his daughters. My hand went down to my belly again. If I kept this thing I at least have a piece of them with me all my life, now that I've destroyed everything else. But I can't. It wouldn't be right. And I couldn't be a mother. We would both perish.

I lay down and crumbled up to a ball and cried my eyes out until I fell asleep. My dreams were vivid and I could see Marshall's hurt eyes looking at me as I held a knife to my stomach stabbing myself. I screamed and cried as his eyes shifted to my father's, staring at me and I could hear his laughter.