A Glimpse Into My Brain

Making It Up

TW: parental problems & possible gaslighting

I once tired to ask my parents about how they worked things around the house
It was the first and last time I ever did that

It was about candy
I remember the conversation
Not all of it, but snippets
I wanted to know why my brother and I couldn't have candy in the house
But our parents could have candy, cookies, that kind of thing
And they told us when we were and weren't allowed to have it
Even though if we said they couldn't have some of our candy we got in trouble

They told me I was making it up
That that didn't happen
They didn't have candy in the house when we didn't
That was the day that I learnt parents were allowed to blatantly,
And obviously,
Lie without getting in trouble
Even though if kids did that we were reprimanded

I didn't know if I was going crazy after that
I thought I must've just imagined it
That it was a fluke
A one time thing
A dream
But it kept happening
So I knew I was right
We never talked about it again
I couldn't deal with those feelings again

Maybe that's one of the reasons I question my own memories now
I never know if I bring it up if I'll be told that I'm making it up
That's why I can't tell them how these things impact me
How the way they raised me has fucked me up

They'll just tell me that I'm making it up
That it didn't happen
That I'm blowing it out of proportion
That's why I don't trust my parents anymore

(9/6/21)