A Glimpse Into My Brain

I Didn't Know

TW: self harm

I didn't realize that I'd been doing it since I was young
Not until I thought about what counted as self harm
But purposefully causing pain to yourself counts
So purposefully hitting your head counts

I think the first time it was an accident
It was a school trip to the skating rink
I fell back and hit my head
A lot of kids do that
It was fine
I was fine

But the next time we went there I thought about it before doing it
I came up with a plan
I liked being on the ice even if I wasn't very good
So I would do it at the end
Falling down every now and then to make it seem believable when I did it to feel pain

So as we were all getting off the ice
I stayed towards the back of the group
And just as I was about to get out
I made myself fall backwards

I didn't try to stop my head from hitting the ice
I pretended to try and stop the fall
Just to make it more believable

I did it for years
Everytime we went skating
Until the school stopped doing it
Then I stopped hurting myself
At least for a while
Then I started cutting

(23/5/21)