A Glimpse Into My Brain

Dilemma

I have a dilemma
I don't like being awake
But I'm also scared to sleep

I don't like being awake because that means I'm alive
If I wake up to early the day is to long and it scares me
If I wake up to late people ask me if I'm ok
I'm scared to sleep because of memories
Being asleep is vulnerable
I can't defend myself if I'm asleep
If someone wants to hurt me I can't fight back
If someone gets mad I might not be able to stay safe

Being awake is pointless
But at least I have my people to help make it bearable
They're good
They make me somewhat want to wake up
Especially if I'm going to be seeing or talking with them

Being asleep is dangerous
I don't have anyone to protect me if I sleep when everyone else does
But if I sleep when more people are awake,
There's more chance of being hurt
More chances of someone hurting me
More chance of someone taking advantage of my vulnerability

That's why I don't like sharing beds
And also because my sleep schedule is fucked up
There's 4 people I'm comfortable sleeping next to
Two of them I've never actually done it
But they're my people
I trust them with my life

Sleep is hard but being awake is hard too
You see my dilemma?

(23/5/21)