A Glimpse Into My Brain

I Don't Remember

TW: mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts & trauma

I don't have much of a will to live anymore
I don't have any will to live anymore
Yes, I want to see my people again
But everything in my brain is so fucked up

Do you have any idea the kind of pain I've been in for years?
For as long as I can remember?
I don't remember what it was like not to think of self harm every hour
Hell, sometimes every minute

I don't remember what it was like to get through the day and not be scared to go to sleep
I don't remember a time where I was a fucking child
I don't remember not wanting to die
I don't remember feeling alive
I don't remember wanting to live
I don't remember what it was like outside of survival mode
I don't remember who I was before all this came into the light

I don't think I was ever a person before I had trauma
I don't think I was ever able to form and idea of myself that would survive past 18
I don't remember who I was before my brain got so fucked up
I don't remember any of this
And it's fucking horrid

(8/7/21)