A Glimpse Into My Brain

My Fault

TW: parental problems & abuse

I feel guilty
My parents have done so much for me
Told me they lived me
Gave me hugs
Bought me clothes
Bought me presents

And yet I can't forget the bad things they've done
I can't forget my childhood
I can't forget the screaming
The spanking
The grabbing
The fear

It's my fault it happened anyway
If I had been better they wouldn't have had a reason to hurt me
They wouldn't have hurt me

But I was a bad kid
I screamed
I didn't listen
I said bad things
I was loud when they asked me to be quiet
I hurt people

I guess it was a good thing they did what they did
If they didn't I would probably hurt more people
They probably only did it so they could prevent their kid from becoming a monster

It didn't work
I am a monster
I've always been a monster
Monsters hurt the people they claim to love

My parents were just trying to protect the world from me
My parents could see the person I would become

That's why they did it
Monsters should be punished
And I was punished
Not enough
I deserve worse
I shouldn't be allowed to be alive
I should be dead

(23/5/21)