A Glimpse Into My Brain

Lies

TW: brief suicidal thoughts

I'm good
I'm fine
I'm okay
I'm just tired
I'm sore but okay
I'm tired but alright
I always get through it
I'm not that bad
It's ok
It's not that bad
I'll be fine
I'm safe
I feel good
I'm okay mentally
It's fine
I'm fine
I'm always fine
I'd tell you if I wasn't
I'd tell you, promise

Things I say with my fingers crossed behind my back
It's a childish joke
People always call you out on it
It's easy to tell

Except,
People don't call me out on it
I don't do it to be childish
People can't tell
Maybe I've finally beaten the system
Found a way around the rules
Around the cameras
Around the peeping and peering eyes
Around the people who say they can tell how you feel
Maybe they're just nice enough not to point it out

It doesn't feel like a victory
It never has
It's never been something I've wanted to do
That's a lie, but at one point it was the truth

It used to feel like a victory
Something I could keep to myself
My own little secret
But I've declined
And so has my spirit
So now I'm not enjoying this game that people call life
So maybe I'll just quit

(16/6/21)