A Glimpse Into My Brain

Dear 2020,

TW: light talk of self-harm and suicidal thoughts

Dear 2020,

What. The. Fuck
What was this year
What the hell happened

This year was supposed to be good
This year was supposed to fix things
This year I was supposed to get better
This year I was supposed to ask for help
This year mum was supposed to get better

This year I got worse
This year was horrible
This year I dug myself into a deeper pit than ever before
This year mum had another transplant
This year I have gotten so many flashbacks

This year it has been nearly impossible to hang onto reality
This year I've lost reality so many times
This year has honestly felt like some twisted and sick simulation

This year I have hit a rock bottom I didn't know existed
This year...
I don't know what this year was

I have hurt myself
Over and over again
Mentally
Physically
And I can't even make it a week clean
I can't even fix myself

I don't know what to do with this year
I didn't learn a lot but I learnt a handful of important lessons:

1. I'm proud of my transness
2. I have people, people that love me and would rather I rant to them than see me in a coffin
3. I'm ace
4. Labels are a bit of a bitch
5. This world sucks so badly
6. My mere existence is illegal in 72 countries and I can be killed in some of them
7. Canada is not perfect, we're horrible
And 8. I can be myself

This year I have hurt
This year I have almost ended things so many times
This year I have lied everyday
This year my mental health has gone to hell
This year I wrote the most poems I have ever written
This year I wrote fanfic for the first time
But most importantly, this year I survived

To some that may not seem that big
But to me
To someone who fights every single day
To someone who hopes so many nights ze doesn't wake up in the morning
To someone who has panic attacks and is terrified of living another day

The fact that I survived is huge
And the fact that I found small sparks throughout this year is even more
The fact that I don't remember a night where I wanted to wake up the next morning
The fact that I want to end it every night, but haven't
Is huge
Bigger than you can think

So all I can say is,
Fuck 2020

But thank you
Thank you to the people who helped me beat my thoughts and, somehow, survive another year
Thank you to my friends, both in real life and online, that allowed me some happiness in these dark times
Thank you to all my friends who somehow texted right when I needed
Thank you to everyone who helped me hang on and make it to 14

Here's to another year
One that I'm not sure I'm going to survive
But after this year I know one thing strongly
It will take a fuck ton of force to kill me
And I'm not ready to stop fighting yet
I'll make it
I promise

So dear 2020,
You broke me so many times over
But somehow
Somehow I made it
You nearly killed me so many times
But you didn't
And you won't ever have another chance to

Sincerely,
Nix

PS. I still hate you

(17/12/20)