A Glimpse Into My Brain

Dear Suicidal Trans Kids

TW: talk of suicide, self harm, and transphobia

Inspired by: https://youtu.be/leiENJxlrTo

Dear suicidal trans kids
I know
I know it hurts
I know it feels like hell

I want to wrap all of you up in my arms and tell you,
It's ok
I'm here
I'm not leaving
One day you will be able to smile properly again

I want to take away all of your hurt even if it means hurting myself
I've dealt with it long enough
I can do a bit more if it means you are safe

I want you to know that I'm sorry
I'm sorry this world has given us names
Like freak, like indecisive, like attention seeking, like kill yourself, like you're better off dead

I want to hurt everyone who has ever told you that
I want to hold all of you and tell you, you are everything
We are not made for this world
We are not usually safe in this world
But at least we can find solace amongst ourselves

Dear suicidal trans kids,
I'm sorry this world has labeled you without seeing how amazing you are
I'm sorry this world does not believe you
I'm sorry

We fight like hell every day just to survive in a body that's not our own
We have to fight just to be heard and it hurts so bad
And still we somehow get up every morning and do it again
And again
And again

And if I could just find a way to keep my arms around you and pull you away from the ledge
I'd be happy
If I could take all your tools and replace them with flowers
I'd be happy
At least until you found another way to hurt

To put the mental pain into physical
Because at least physical pain can be managed
But dear,
We are strong and resilient
And I won't blame you if you're over the edge tomorrow

All I'll ask is,
What could I have done?
All I'll say is,
I'm sorry this world and, possibly even, those you love failed you so viciously

All I can say to you now though is,
Please fight one more day
Please don't leave too early
I'm with you
And I won't leave your side
We will fight this together
And I love you
So fucking much

(29/12/20)