A Glimpse Into My Brain

Talking To Doctors

I have a call with one of my doctors today
I'm always jittery with doctors
I'm not scared of them though
I'm scared of what they could find out
What they could suggest

I can't tell them enough
I need to tell them a little less than enough
Not more than my parents know

But doctors see people who lie
They're good at seeing lies
They're good at reading the room
They're good at suggesting something like therapy
I always pretend they didn't say that unless my mum wants to talk about it

I always stay in control
I always have to be hyper aware of everything about me
Aware of every little thing about my body
Making sure my facial expression is correct
My body position is correct
Relaxed but focused
Relaxed but listening
Relaxed and trusting
Relaxed and open

Making them think that I'm being open and honest with them
Not giving any tell tale signs that my answers are planned
Not answering to fast but not to much of a pause

Like I'm confidant in my answer
But not cocky
Not enough for them to realize it's rehearsed
Not enough for them to think I'm trying to prove something

There are a lot of rules for talking to doctors for me
There have to be
Otherwise I'd let something slip
They're all here for safety reasons

(9/6/21)