A Glimpse Into My Brain

Remember When...

TW: mention of self harm

Remember when we would spend the day outside?
When we didn't even have to try to find joy?
When we wanted to grow up?
When we actually felt alive?

Yeah, I remember that
Before we lost our spark and didn't have enough energy to even get out of bed
Before we learnt the horrors this world holds
Before we learnt that growing up didn't just mean getting to eat chocolate for breakfast
Before we actually did grow up

Remember when we could enjoy life?
Without thinking of the horrors
Without being scared of being out too late
When we had enough mental energy to actually have fun

I remember wanting to grow up
Wanting to be able to eat chocolate for breakfast
Being excited to learn about this world
Being excited to live on our own
For the sole reason that it sounded fun
And not because we knew what was happening to us at home
I remember wanting to get older and be independent

Now I'm 14 and feel like an adult
I was 9 the first time I learnt that doctors didn't always know what was best for you
I was 10 when I had to really grow up consciously the first time
I was 11 when I learnt about the hell that could be your mind
I was 11 when I learnt I was different, and not in the way the world liked

I was 12 when I first consciously tried to hurt myself,
Just for a moment of peace
I was 13 when I remembered what I had dealt with in childhood
I was 13 when I realized that I'm trans

I was 14 when I realized that I'm aro/ace
I was 14 when I was diagnosed with chronic pain
I was 14 when I did the grocery shopping by myself for the first time
I'm 14 and I need to be an adult because my family needs me to be

Remember when we would spend the day outside without feeling like we should be doing work?
Remember when we didn't even have to try to find joy because we could feel it all around us?
Remember when we wanted to grow up because it seemed fun?
Remember when we actually felt alive because the world hadn't fucked us over to bad yet?
Remember when we were kids?
'Cause I do
And it fucking hurts

(5/3/21)