A Glimpse Into My Brain

Dear Body,

TW: self harm, dysphoria, mild talk of suicide

Dear body,

I apologize to you
The one I am damaging because my thoughts get to much
The one that I feel the need to hide because it is female
The one that has gotten me through so much

I apologize to the body I have for not being a better host
It has never been easy being in the wrong body
Not that the body itself is wrong
But the sex it represents isn't correct

I apologize for the amount of times I have hurt it
The amount of times I have held that blade to my skin and caused yet another scar
The amount of times I have hurt it just to get a moments rest

I apologize for the amount of times I have wanted to end it
The amount of times I hoped I would not wake up in the morning
The amount of times I hoped that I'd be underground sooner than I should be

The amount of times I have put that blade to my wrist
The amount of times I have held that pill bottle in my hands
Hoping for the day it would all just end
Wondering if I would be another statistic on the list of trans suicides
I'm still not sure if I apologize for being a coward and not doing it

I apologize to my body
The one that may not belong to me
The one that may not allow me to see myself in the mirror
The one that I have hurt so badly

I'm sorry

Sincerely,
Nix