A Glimpse Into My Brain

I wish

TW: Heavy talk of self harm and suicide

I would be better off dead
I wish I could say that thought had never crossed my mind
Had never invaded my thoughts on a peaceful night
Had never fought so violently to be heard

I wish I could I say that I never entertained this
That I never held that blade to my wrist
Never picked up that pill bottle
Waiting for the courage to just do it
To slit my wrist and down the bottle

I wish I could say that I didn't believe that thought
That I knew I deserved to live
That I had a reason to stay in this realm
That I know there is a reason to stay

I wish I could say all of these things and they wouldn't be lies
I wish on any and all gods, that I know I need to stay

I wish I never picked up that blade and found solace and peace in the drawings it would create
Not drawings made of paint or thousands of colours
But drawings made of only one colour
Where only one tool was used

I wish I could say that the paint used to paint my skin in the middle of the night wasn't blood
I wish I could say that the tool I used wasn't a blade
I wish I could say this was all in the past
But I can't say that without lying

I wish I could say that my hips are still capable of feeling the pain caused by the blade
And are not so covered in scar tissue that they can't
I wish I could say that without lying
There is so much I wish I could say without it being a lie
But everything you have heard in this poem is the truth

I wish I could say that the drawings on my skin were not the only thing keeping me from doing it
I wish I could say that seeing yet another drawing added to my skin didn't fill me with joy
Only to leave me guilty right after
And once again turning to that blade

So if one day I don't wake up
And when you see me I have blood spilling from my wrists
Don't be shocked
I knew this day would come
And I'm sorry that I left you all in this state
I must still be a burden even after death

(29/9/20)