A Glimpse Into My Brain

Manipulation

TW: self harm

I can't regulate my fucking emotions
It's stupid
I've been able to do it for a long time
In front of others at least

That's where it matters
If I'm by myself and I lose control I can just cut myself till I'm numb

If I'm around others when I lose control not only will I not be able to cut
But they'll want to know what's wrong
That's bullshit

I have to get better at faking fine
Faking happy
Faking calm
Faking whatever emotion I need at the time

That sounds manipulative and it probably is
I'm a monster
Why wouldn't I try to manipulate others?

(23/5/21)