A Glimpse Into My Brain

Performance

TW: suicidal thoughts

I can fake being fine
Fake being happy
I'm not sure how I manage it

I feel like I'm going to break down
Or cry
Or blow up
Or scream
Almost all the time

But I don't
I put on a smile
Laugh if I'm supposed to
But it's a performance

I'm like an actor
Except actors are allowed to take breaks
They don't have to constantly live as their characters

Even when I'm alone I have to pretend
Not as much, but still pretend
If I let myself break down now
One of three things would probably happen

1. I'd kill myself on the spot
2. I wouldn't be able to keep faking
Or 3. What happened after last time,
I got worse
I'm still getting worse
I can't get worse faster though
I wouldn't survive that

(23/5/21)