A Glimpse Into My Brain

Stop

I've had people tell me,
You're really strong
You're so mature for your age
You're really resilient
You're so positive

And I always want to ask them to stop
To stop calling me mature and resilient and strong and positive
I don't want to be those thing

I want be able to act like a teenager
I want to act like a kid
Without fear that I'll get in trouble
Without worrying how others would perceive that

I want to tell people the negatives
What can happen if we're not careful
What I really think
Without worrying that I'd freak people out
Or that they'd hate the person I am

I want to be allowed to fall apart
Not worrying if others would see
Not worrying that I'll be taken to the hospital
Not worrying about getting in trouble
Not worrying about the screaming and yelling and grabbing and spanking

I want to be allowed to be me
And that person isn't always strong, resilient, positive, mature
I want to be me but I can't be
Because I've put up this front
This false picture
And it's not acceptable to change that picture suddenly
So I'll just keep hiding
I'll just keep hurting
And trying my best to pretend like I'm not
Trying my best not to worry you
And I'm sorry if my mask slips
I'm trying to tie it behind my head with no fingers

(12/6/21)