A Glimpse Into My Brain

Death

TW: suicidal thoughts

There are so many things that make me want to kill myself
Thinking about people,
Specifically my parents,
Finding these poems
Seeing how much of a shitty person I am
Seeing the shit that they gave me

Seeing the looks on peoples faces when they realize that I'm not the happy kid they think I am
That hurts me so bad
I don't want to see that

I guess that's one of the reasons I haven't killed myself yet
I doubt I wouldn't do it properly
I have enough pills
I know how to cut to do the job
But if I did fail,
And I had to see my parents and brother's faces when I woke up
It would just make me want to do it more

And if I did do it properly
But there happens to be an afterlife
And whoever's in charge of it makes me watch the people I love deal with my death
I couldn't do that
That's the only reason I'm scared of death

It sounds stupid
Most people are scared of there not being an afterlife
But I'm scared that there is an afterlife
It also scares me that I might see one of my friends to quickly

Everything hurts
I want to just do it
But I can't hurt them
They don't deserve that pain
So I'm stuck
I can't get a 'get out of jail free card'
No matter what I do I'm trapped in that jail
Unless there isn't any afterlife and my soul doesn't linger
But there's no guarantee in that
So fuck
I'm stuck

(26/6/21)