A Glimpse Into My Brain

Maybe I'm Just A Lost Cause

TW: self harm & suicidal thoughts

Why can't I stop?
Why can't she just shut up?
Why does this keep happening?
Why did I just relapse!?

I can't stop that easily
You see, self harm is a trap
And an addiction
Horrible yet irresistible when your brain says it's time

Trust me I've tried
I've tried so much
Draw a butterfly
I draw all the time
It won't make a difference
I've tried it

Wear bracelets
That'd work if I did it on my arms
But I don't
Put ice on your skin
In the middle of the night?
My parents would question me

Tell someone
I have
One person
She doesn't bring it up a lot
She wants me to get better and has given me tips but I can't do them at night

Tell your parents
My mum has cancer and enough going on
My dad would probably just get mad

I hate this so much
It's not easy to quit
I've been clean for a month before
In summer
But then Covid happened and it got worse
It's the only thing that makes it easier to breath some days
It's the only thing that makes me not panic
It's the only reason I'm alive

You see,
I want to die
I have for a while now
And self harm is the only way I don't bring the blade to my wrist and end it all
That's the biggest reason I do it

I want to stop
I've tried so hard
But I can't
I'm sorry
Maybe I'm just a lost cause

(8/9/20)