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Review by Nathan: Sissy Boy

Title: Sissy Boy

Author: ItzOffixial

Reviewer: NathanRound

Summary: 3/5

A fairly traditional summary here. It contains all the necessities: introducing the main character, the conflicts and plot, as well as the main focus of the story. I like how you ended the summary with a rhetorical question, it's quite a common way to get readers hooked but still does the job when used effectively. Well done.

I couldn't find much wrong with your summary, but I will point one thing out.

'Ryder's world comes crashing down after the loss of his mother but it doesn't end there, his father soon picks up a bad drinking habit.'

I think splitting this into two sentences will help it flow a little better.

'Ryder's world comes crashing down after the loss of his mother. But it doesn't end there; his father soon picks up a bad drinking habit.' 

Writing Style: 2/5

The first-person perspective fits well with the type of story you are writing. The description in that first chapter is also great as well. However, your pace isn't exactly consistent throughout your story: it seems to speed up and slow down at random intervals and it seems very unintentional. I would revise some of your scenes and try to find a pace that matches its atmosphere.

Another thing I want to point out is your dialogue. Now dialogue is just a tool, like narration is just a tool. Dialogue should only be used to move the plot along, reveal the characters, show a character's intention and set a certain tone. However, some dialogue in your story is simply unnecessary. The best way to find out if a piece of dialogue is needed, is by asking yourself whether or not they do any of the things I discussed earlier. If the answer is no, then your story will simply benefit without it.

Furthermore, the scene where the near collision takes place felt a little vague and clunky. It didn't work well and it seemed like the perfect opportunity to provide some suspense and tension in the story. But the way the scene played felt... robotic, like it was just a normal occurrence and you just wanted to get it out the way.

The way Ryder reacted felt a little unrealistic also.

'I got out of my car only to find a girl on the floor, her head was down and she looked like she had a scratch in her knee. She was whimpering softly as I stood above her oozing with anger.

"Can't you see!" I yelled out to her..."'

Now I understand that Ryder is angry that he may have damaged his car, but it seems unfitting that he just drives off and leaves the other character after he narrowly misses them with his car. And this is especially strange when the reader gets to the events that happen later in the novel. I would advise that you revise this scene and alter the way that it plays out in order for it to work smoothly with the rest of your novel.

Another thing that I would like to brush upon is the way your flashbacks happen. They feel a little awkward in the way that they are delivered. You seem to add them into random snippets of the narrative without making it clear that a flashback is taking place. I would advise that you put some kind of queue in place that makes it clear that the protagonist is reminiscing on a memory.

One last thing, the way you shift perspectives within the same chapter is a little jarring. If you really feel like you need to shift perspectives, then I would advise you dedicate a chapter solely to one characters point of view.

Grammar: 3/5

Your story can be read fairly smoothly as not many errors stand out like a sore thumb. Most errors that I did find seem to common here on Wattpad so don't worry too much.

Firstly, all dialogue should end with punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (like 'he said', 'she exclaimed', 'he whispered', and so on) then there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas (but if it's a question then a question mark should take its place, or an exclamation mark for an exclamation).

'"The um-Mrs Greene wants to see you" she stuttered...'

This is inaccurate. Punctuation is needed, and since 'she stuttered' is a verbal tag then it should be:

'"The um-Mrs Greene wants to see you," she stuttered...'

Some words are misspelled also, but I'm sure this is only due to the fact that your work is merely a draft. One instance is:

'...my tone ozzing with venom...'

'Ozzing' is incorrect. I'm sure you meant 'oozing'.

Character Building: 2/5

Overall, your characters need some work.

Now Ryders backstory is very tragic and is a fundamental part of his character. It's clear that he misses his mother, and at times her death influences a lot of his actions. The way Ryder acts in certain situations seems a little over the top and unfitting at times, especially when he nearly hits Aleister with his car.

Aleister's nervousness also needs some work. He stutters all too much, I understand you are trying to show that he is a very timid and nervous character. However, his stutters are used way too much and you need to utilize other ways to show how uncomfortable he feels. Perhaps touch upon his body language, the lack of eye contact or have him change the subject of certain conversations.

Ryders father is another peculiar character. He goes from a drunk who hooks up with any woman he finds, to falling in love with one particular person five minutes later. Why is that? What makes her so special? He has very little depth and has a very inconsistent personality.

Plot + Uniqueness: 3/5

I usually don't find myself indulging on these types of novelisations but the concept itself is unique, similarly the plot follows the same path. But I feel that there are quite a few inconsistences that need to be reworked.

I feel that you rushed into the whole 'father moving on' thing. His new partner just comes out of nowhere and then this wedding springs up. It feels incredibly unrealistic that, in the matter of days, Ryders father meets a woman, falls in love, proposes (though that was never stated) and then decides to get married the following weekend. That doesn't happen in the real world, and it feels incredibly unrealistic. I would advise that you space out this subplot, just to flesh it out and make it feel that more real.

Speaking of realism, the way men act around Aleister is a little over the top and needs toning down. It doesn't exactly further the plot that much and seems unnecessary. I wouldn't be saying this if it was only a small focus of the story, but every single male character seems to act the same. I would tone it down a little, just to make it that more believable.

OVERALL SCORE: 13/25

I do apologise for the wait. Furthermore, I'd like to point out that I had a lot to throw in this review so again I apologise if it feels as if I was bashing your story. Just tidy up your story a little bit, work the pace, flesh out those characters and try to make it seem that much real. Well done!