Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Maryam: Till Next Time

Sunshine here. Can I just say how weird it was receiving two reviews at the same time from two different reviewers for two different stories, and one was called, 'The Next Time' and one was called 'Till Next Time'? 

It was weird. 

Anyways, onto the review! 

Title: Till Next Time 

Author: _thewildchild__

Reviewer: Marykhah77

Summary: 4.5/5

The way you wrote your summary was very easy to follow. You had the stakes, conflict, and a bit about the side-characters.

The only thing I wish you would've done is separate the lines to indicate paragraphs. It was a bit choppy, but this is just me being picky. 

Grammar + Punctuation: 2.5/5

I'm going to say this straight away: your dialogue needs some work. There were blunt mistakes concerning your dialogue. 

Let's start with verbal tags.

Verbal tags are after the closing quotation mark. They indicate how the words are said. For example:

She whispered. 

They cackled. 

He said. 

When you verbal tags after a line of dialogue, the first word isn't capitalized. You also must add a comma before closing the dialogue with the ending quotation mark. If you add the verbal tag before the dialogue, you add a comma before beginning. You do this, but you also add them with actions that aren't verbal tags.

"Take a seat, Mr. Baxter," she gestures to the seat in front of her.

In that example, you added the comma, but it wasn't needed since what followed after isn't a verbal tag.

"Take a seat, Mr. Baxter." She gestures to the seat in front of her.

That's the correct way to write it. 

Let's look at a different example: 

"I have a business to run!", Dad says sternly...

In this example, you have a comma, but you also have an exclamation point. Here, you shouldn't put a comma. Since Dad is a proper noun, it should stay capitalized.

"I have a business to run!" Dad says sternly...

Above is the correct way to write it.

Let's look at one final example:

"Brook," was the last thing I heard before I broke into a dash.

Here's one of the rare moments where you wouldn't use a comma before closing quotation mark. What follows after the dialogue isn't a verbal tag, but it doesn't make sense to pause before continuing.

"Brook" was the last thing I heard before I broke into a dash.

You also didn't stick to one tense. You alternated between past and present tense often. 

But now my undivided attention attention was on what slipped out of my mother's lips.

Was = past tense. Slipped = past tense. 

With time you learn to control the things you say...

Learn = present tense. Say = present tense. 

You should pick one tense and carry that out throughout your story. It can seem choppy at parts of you alternate too much.

Plot Development: 4.5/5

The beginning of the story started out right in the midst of a conflict. It showed Brooklyn's problem right away, and that is one reason why I love Teen Fiction stories. They dive right into the plot, unlike Fantasy.

You made sure to take your time revealing the conflict, which kept me reading and hooked. I can confidently say that you gave me just enough conflict in one chapter to keep me reading. Well done!

I only had a teeny, tiny issue, and it was with the pacing of the friendship. They seemed to become close friends right away, and I feel like you could've taken your time—I'll discuss this more in Character Development more, though.

Character Development: 3.5/5

Brooklyn's struggle throughout the beginning was executed well. I could related to him quite often.

The only character that I felt was a bit underwhelming was Anastasia. She was introduced early on, but she felt dry. Let me elaborate. 

Brooklyn was sent to the Behavioral Mod, right? There, he met Anastasia. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad about a friendship. But they seemed too rushed. Their relationship escalated quickly, and I felt as if there should've been some sort of pace.

I don't know if this is just me, but my relationships don't start off that fast—much less with that much trust. They relied on each other too quickly, in my opinion.

Perhaps slowly down their relationship a bit. It seemed to rushed and too forced, in a sense.

Characterisation: 4/5

Brooklyn is definitely more on the misunderstood side. His internal thoughts helped me tell the difference between himself and Anastasia—not that you needed to.

Anastasia herself is such a sweetheart. I loved reading scenes with her; you can tell she's different than Brooklyn.

Honestly, they're both such sweethearts.

Even with their parents. Anastasia has such a supporting father, whereas Brooklyn's father is... questionable. Even their reasons for ending up in the Behavioral Mod is different.

If I was being picky, I'd probably go back what I said in Character Development. Their relationship, again, seemed too rushed. It bugged me throughout the story, and I wished it was slowed down to allow more growth for the characters individually. It was almost as if you relied on them being together to move the story forward—which I'm not a huge fan of.

OVERALL SCORE: 19/25

Overall, a very interesting story. Just clear up the grammar punctuation and slow down the relationship between Anastasia and Brooklyn, and you should be good!

If you have any questions, please PM me at Marykhah77.