Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by John: Leonardo

Title: Leonardo

Author: Yummychocochick

Reviewer: Tumike-John

Summary: 2.5/5

I'm not really a fan of werewolf stories, but I was drawn to yours because of who Leonardo is: a werewolf, wizard, and demon. Having these personalities was something I was curious to see how you'd present. That's the main point of a summary. Make the readers open the book, which I did. Being a story centred on a character is what I have seen multiple times and the title named after the character. I am not bothered about this, though.

The part that just made me shift a little was adding, 'Amanda Holden is a naive girl — a 20-year-old human,' and going on to expand how she's a distraction to Leonardo.

Leo, from the summary, is someone who is experienced, and so there is a likelihood for him to have met other naive twenty-year-olds. Amanda doesn't feel like a distinct character. In fact, she isn't a distinct character — as you told from the blurb. I have nothing to feel for her. Should I care about her because she's naïve? Should I hate her for that? Why should I be interested? Anybody can be naïve; make yours more than that! Sure, a love interest will spawn, but is it because Amanda is ... naïve?

You did justice to Leonardo — which I guess is because he is the centre of the story — but you should work more on Amanda Holden.

Writing Style: 2/5

I feel like I should talk about this before going to grammar. You did more of telling than showing. I wasn't pleased with this. It was difficult to imagine the characters, feel their emotions, touch their environment. It was sort of plain and grey.

The first paragraph started with Bella waking up after being poured a bucket of water:

'I was suddenly woken from my deep slumber. Damn! It's so cold. I opened my eyes only to notice that it's none other than my 'brother' holding an empty bucket in his hand. I looked down at myself. I was fully drenched with ice-cold water. My teeth started chattering as the cold air came in contact with my skin. I gazed at my stepbrother. Lewis Alby.

I felt like it could be more interesting if you made it more descriptive and memorable:

'Never have I been startled so much in bed. For a second, my lungs shut down and my brain told me I was drowning. Not until I felt a blanket of frost take over my skin before I shot up from bed. I caught the sight of my brother holding an empty bucket. Then I looked at myself, drenched in ice-cold water along with my bed. Realising this, as if the temperature suddenly fell, my teeth gnashed and my pale fingers began twitching.'

I know my example is not the best, but I only made a suggestion. You can choose to use it or modify it. With the example, I hope you get my point? Try making the words come alive; it'll make the readers have a feel of the book. It's not necessary for you to make everything vivid. Sometimes, telling works better than showing. However, if you're trying to 'make' characters, don't just work on their physical descriptions, work on their actions, too.

Another thing, dialogue tags. You need to work on them. Dialogue tags are those things you see after a dialogue: she said, he asked, she retorted, he replied. Those are dialogue tags. They refer to the dialogues:

"How are you?" he asked.

"Get out!" she yelled.

"He works at the gate," Simon said.