Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Kate: The Days

Title: The Days

Author: walkingecho

Reviewer: icecreamtherapy

Thank you for choosing me to review your book! This review will focus on Character Building, Writing Style and Plot.

Summary: 4/5

To begin, the two short lines of dialogue are intriguing, introduce a sense of mystery, and therefore work as an effective hook. Nicely done. As for the second part of your summary, "which she cares about most before it's too late" could be rewritten as "who she cares about more before it's too late", given that you're comparing two (groups of) people - A's friends and her lover.

Additionally, you could strengthen her lover's relation to the plot as displayed in the summary by giving us a bit more detail on how he is central to the story. How does he factor into this secret? You could also tell us more about what's at stake. Why is it going to be too late? What is going to happen when their time is up? Does A's other secret add fuel to the flames? (More on this under Plot.)

Overall, your summary favours ambiguity, which adds to the suspense, but a bit more detail could really boost its ability to draw readers in.

Grammar: 3/5

For a non-native English speaker, your writing is commendable. I'll point out some general errors to look out for when you edit your story, but otherwise this section should be brief.

First sentences are especially important in making an impression on your reader and setting the tone of the story. Chapter 1: "She listened to discussions attentively often, but considering the fact that she barely slept a blink last night — all thanks to her Geography teacher by the way. It turned into a different story." Here's how you could improve this sentence:

- "Usually, she listened attentively to discussions, (better flow)

- but considering the fact that she had barely slept a wink last night (correct use of idiom)

- — all thanks to her Geography teacher, by the way — it turned into a different story." (effective use of punctuation: 2 dashes are used to insert additional information, such as in this case. Using a full stop in the place of the second dash leaves the first sentence incomplete.)

When editing, take note of:

- tenses ("before she loses her appetite" -> "before she lost her appetite")

- and first/second/third person verbs ("if only she haven't" -> "if only she hadn't")

Keep going! You'll only get better at this.

Character Building: 3/5

Try to vary your syntax when describing characters, so as to make your writing more dynamic, and your characters more distinct. For example, "Asian-looking" is used to describe Allie and "innocent-looking" is used to describe Bella. Consider what it is that makes her look innocent. Does she have large doe eyes? Angelic features? Describe these to the reader instead, and let them come to the conclusion that Bella is innocent-looking.

In addition, "Asian-looking" could be used to describe a broad range of ethnicities. Perhaps you could replace this with something more specific, such as "a Vietnamese girl", which would provide readers with a much clearer idea of the character's physical attributes.

On the same point of creating distinct characters, Allie, Maria, Everett and Parker all seem quick to anger. Maybe make two or three of them more good-tempered. By giving your characters unique personality traits, you could make their interactions more stimulating, and ensure that conflicts between them don't all end the same way.

Writing Style: 3.5/5

With regards to "Warning: beware of the cringy writing": Hey, don't put yourself down before the book has even begun. Give your readers a chance to develop their own impressions of your story, and have some faith in yourself!

From chapter 1: "Amelia felt a hit at the back of her head." As the sentence before is cut off with a dash, this one should ideally be punchy and deliver on the suspense. "Smack! Something hit the back of Amelia's head." For example.

Additionally, be conscious of your use of stammering. Like being quick to anger, it could be a quirk of one character, but try not to apply it to all of them. Realistically, not everyone stammers when they're nervous/afraid.

This next point is a bit difficult to explain, but your characters seem unusually perceptive and sometimes act a bit irrationally, which is probably why the pacing of this story is a little too fast! (More under Plot.)

Plot + Orignality: 2.5/5

Whew, okay. I apologise in advance for the incoming word vomit.

Pacing: As you write, it's important to keep asking yourself - how does this contribute to the plot? Remember, your story is centered on a secret, which promises an overall suspenseful atmosphere. When it needs to be picking up speed, you could choose to focus more on scenes that will drive the main conflict and build this suspense.

By chapter 5, I was feeling a bit lost. I had been waiting for a hint of some sort that the conflict was developing, but to no avail. It felt like the showcase of the lives of all of A's friends were subplots that, while interesting, distracted from the main storyline, which by this point was still unclear. I wanted to know how A stumbles across this secret, what the secret is, and why time is ticking for her ("before it's too late").

The question now is, how can you introduce tension from the very beginning, and grow it slowly till we reach the crux of the story?

Tension/Conflict: Let's talk about A's dream (chapter 19). This scene is very well written! It made me hold my breath, and I love that it's used as an intro to A's own secret. On this note, you could make your story more compelling by introducing a few elements from the get-go which allude to the fact that A is keeping a haunting secret.

For example, having a prologue / opening chapter where she has a different, but slightly milder (to build intensity) nightmare, just to set the stage as well as introduce a bit of tension from the beginning. Referring to her dreams as "getting worse and worse" in chapter 19 would then also make more sense to the reader.

Additionally, you could drop hints throughout the story about this secret that she keeps. Give your readers a glimpse, so they can make more sense of why A's secret is so huge (how it adds fuel to the flames), and the stakes will seem higher.

Lastly, coherence. [Spoiler Alert] Why did A cheat on Cameron with Mateo? Sudden and unexplained plot twists are okay, but they cannot always be used as a transition, for your writing will become choppy and this will compromise on the overall coherence.

Also, some small things to take note of for your subsequent drafts: How did A get to know Mateo? Why was A at the graveyard, and spying on Luke too? How did A come to the conclusion about Luke's motives so quickly, and with so little evidence at hand? (Unusually perceptive)

OVERALL SCORE: 16/25

Given that English isn't your first language, and this is your first book, it's a really good draft! Dialogue flows smoothly, and the structure of your novel is solid. You're a natural writer :) I hope my criticism and suggestions are useful, and I look forward to the rest of your book.