Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: Pawsitively in Trouble

Title: Pawsitively in Trouble

Author: W41k3r_19049

Summary: 3/5

I actually struggled to score your summary. First of all, it doesn't exactly follow the traditional story; rather, it takes a playful spin on introducing the characters and setting, adding a bit of light-hearted comedy to make it all the more engaging. I think that works quite well for your summary, but it does mean that you end up missing out on stakes, as well as minor details that would make your summary more cohesive.

For example, why is she even an outcast? And how, exactly, does she grab the attention of authorities from different worlds? What exactly is the conflict? What direction does the storyline take? What are the stakes? What is the protagonists' goals? These things are vital in a summary.

Additionally, you switch tense in your summary. For example:

Priya Mitra is a little bit too used to being left to her own company due to her being labelled as an outcast almost everywhere. [is = present tense]

But that didn't deter troubles from knocking down her door every other day. [didn't = past tense]

I suggest sticking to one tense. I, personally, prefer present tense, so that it sounds like you're inviting the reader into a journey that is yet to happen. But, either way, whichever tense you choose, keep it consistent. 

Grammar: 3/5

As mentioned above, your tenses are inconsistent. There were even moments where you changed from past to present tense within the same sentence. For example:

"Her eccentricity often drives people off from being in her company..." [drives = present tense]

"... she appreciated it." [appreciated = past tense]

Furthermore, when you do use tense, you have to make sure that it carries through the rest of the sentence. Sometimes, this means that verbs that would usually be in past tense are reverted to present tense because it comes after an auxiliary verb. For example:

"In fact, it didn't even felt the least bit moist..."

It should be:

"In fact, it didn't even feel the least bit moist..."

Next: some of your sentences don't really make sense altogether. For example:

"I mean, I had kept it in a bag with the shells I had collected from the sea which I hadn't exactly gotten around to actually clean them..."

The sentence above lacks fluency and cohesion. It is missing punctuation, as well as the correct form of tenses. Try something along the lines of:

"I mean, I had kept it in a bag with the shells I had collected from the sea – which I hadn't exactly gotten around to cleaning yet..."

And, finally, let's talk about punctuation and dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Knew it" I murmurred absentmindedly.

There are two things incorrect in that above example. First of all, 'murmured' is spelt incorrectly. Secondly, since 'murmured' refers directly to how the words are spoken, it should be:

"Knew it," I murmured absentmindedly.

Characterisation: 3/5

It is very clear that Priya is intelligent, and that was demonstrated in her clever dialogue with the blonde guy and how quickly she worked out where she was. In general, her narration is very conversational and quirky, with frequent fourth wall breaks. She is also very sassy, and has a bit of a feisty streak – which makes it all the more entertaining! She has a very cute and awkward way of talking, using 'kinda', 'actually', and 'sorta' a lot to emphasise her round-a-bout way of telling the story.

However, there were often moments where I found her unrealistic. I know you mentioned that her panic hadn't set in straight away when she woke up (after the kidnapping), but her response – her calm narration but her constant swearing – felt very forced. I didn't feel her heart race, nor did I feel her feel the haziness of the drugs.

And when they ignore her questions, would she really be going along with them, or would she focus on getting the hell out of there? You show she is smart, so wouldn't she be trying to use her clever analysis to try seeking an opening? Wouldn't she try to analyse and overanalyse the robotic voice? Not only would that help you show realistic characterisation, but it would also give you room to describe the smell and sounds of the setting more.

Apart from that, I found her frustration with the cube very entertaining. "Let's just shatter this bitch!" is my new motto. 

Writing Style: 3/5

As I mentioned before, the narration is quirky and easy to read. However, there are a lot of gaps in the narrative that need to be smoothened out to make the story more cohesive. For example, in the latest chapter, when the voice changed, describe that change for us. All you wrote was, "Wait a sec, the voice... changed." Describe that change. Show us the accent change, or the sudden shift in tone and vocal range.

Also, you have to assume that the reader isn't as knowledgeable as you in some instances. You should never particularly dumb down the writing for the reader, but sometimes, there is background readings required to understand some elements within certain stories. In your case, the 'cat in the box theory' by 'Einstein' is not something that is known at all. I asked twelve other people just today if they knew what that was referring to – all within the age range of this genre – and not a single one knew.

In fact, after further research, I realised that there is no such thing as Einstein's theory. It was Schrödinger's cat. So, maybe be careful when you try implementing things like this. Even if it's an 'intentional mistake', it doesn't quite fit, considering that Priya seems to know her fair share about cats and is satirically pointing out how overused the phrases are.

As mentioned above, I think you missed opportunities to describe the setting. Sure, you described the white room quite well, but what about the other settings? The lab? The sounds and smells? Try using figurative language; it will help make your writing more rich.

 

Plot + Originality: 3/5

There were only four chapters available for me to read (excluding the prologue), and thus far, we've had the protagonist find a black cube, nearly destroy it with a scalpel, get kidnapped, and now we have her discovering that her kidnapper might not even be human. I'm glad it's very fast-paced, but do make sure you're not rushing it – take time to show us the setting or how Priya is feeling through the experience.

With only the four short chapters available, I can't really judge the overall shape of your story. However, I love the constant references to cats, and the cat-related tangents are very amusing. I'm glad they always merge back into the plot, and I wish you the best of luck as you continue the story! 

OVERALL SCORE: 15/25

Overall, a very quirky story with a hilarious voice and a straight-to-the-action plot. Just work on your tenses and realism, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!