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Review by Sunshine: Dangerous Addiction

Title: Dangerous Addiction

Author: eva_zahan

Summary: 4/5

Your summary contains all the right things! It introduces the characters, shows how they meet, and then brings up the conflict – Adrian wants Sofia, she doesn't want him (for now), and there's a secret that is yet to be unveiled about her. That secret has to do with the conflict between their backstories.

Just a few notes, though: there was some awkward phrasing in your summary. Let's go through them, shall we?

"He is the man people never wants to cross path with and he hates criminals for something happened in his dark past."

You cannot cross a single path. For paths to cross, there must be more than one path. Also, the second half of that sentence, with the 'dark past' also sounds a bit awkward, and I think that's because you need a comma before the explanation of why he hates criminals. I would phrase it like this:

"He is the man people never want to cross paths with and, due to a dark past, he hates criminals."

"Meet Sofia McCommer, the daughter of one of the biggest mafia leader of America."

Again, the phrasing is a bit incorrect. It should be:

"Meet Sofia McCommer, the daughter of one of the biggest mafia leaders in America."

Another one:

"She never got a male company in her whole life and wants a life away from all the dangers that hangs on her head all the time."

"She never got a male company..." isn't quite right. I, personally, would rearrange the whole sentence into:

"She has spent her whole life away from male company, and wants to get away from the danger that hangs over her head all the time."

Finally, last one that struck me was:

"What will happen when Adrian will find out Sofia's identity?"

The main issue with that rhetorical question is the repetition of 'will'. It makes it sound a little awkward. Try:

"What will happen when Adrian finds out about Sofia's identity?"

Grammar: 2.5/5

Overall, I think your grammar could definitely use some polishing up. I'll break it down for you, though, so it's easier to tackle.

First of all, tense. For the most part, you were in past tense, but you occasionally switched into present tense. This disrupts the fluency of your writing. For example:

"We have to get out of here immediately!" Mum said. [said = past tense]

But I am hoping that it's not what I think it is. [am = present tense]

You need to choose one tense and keep it consistent.

Next, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Go and freshen up." He said nudging me.

Since 'he said' refers directly to the words being spoken, you need a comma, not a full-stop. Also, you need a comma after the word 'said', because, otherwise, it sounds very awkward. It should be: