Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: Fated Connection

Title: Fated Connection

Author: brighteyez1610

Summary: 3/5

Your summary is pretty solid. It introduces key elements – the protagonist, some of the paranormal elements, the romance, and the conflict. The use of rhetorical question, too, was also quite effective. Well done! However, there are somethings I've noticed.

Your summary feels a little clunky. Things keep being thrown in, but they're never segued from one point to another. What exactly is the war about and how is she pulled in? Where did the mysterious vampire come from? When you say she's fighting to survive – which, I assume, is from the war – survive from what? And the "there's always something that keeps them apart" feels like an anticlimactic end to the summary, instead of one strong point that has the reader itching for more.

Also, "can't" was missing the apostrophe between 'n' and 't'. 

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your grammar is pretty polished. However, there are some rules that need revising.

The biggest issue had to do with dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"We have to. There's no other choice." He replied gently.

It should be:

"We have to. There's no other choice," he replied gently.

Additionally, when you have an action tag before the dialogue (not a verbal tag), you need a period before the dialogue. For example:

I backed away shaking my head, "I can't do this."

Not only are you missing a comma, but the comma that you do have needs to be replaced with a period. It should be:

I backed away, shaking my head. "I can't do this."

Next, incorrect forms of words. There are some moments where you express certain words incorrectly. For example:

Nova started again, excited dispersing his irritation.

It should be 'excitement', as opposed to excited.

"You better watch that pretty mouth before I shove my cock down your throat," the man growl inches from his face.

Your 'growl' is missing a correct tense. It should be 'growled'.

I scrambled to my feet as quickly as I could, struggling to breath through the dust and debris floating in the air.

'Breath' is the noun. You are looking for breathe, which is the verb.

And, finally, you need to look out for your tenses. For example:

If I had to choose I trusted her more than I trust Dominic.

First of all, you need a comma after the word 'choose'. Secondly, you are mixing up tenses. For example:

I trusted her... [trusted = past tense]

...more than I trust Dominic. [trust = present tense]