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Review by Sunshine: Wings of Storm

Title: Wings of Storm

Author: draphy

Summary: 5/5

This is a pretty darn fantastic summary. Easily one of the best I have read since becoming a reviewer.

I love how you introduce the protagonist in a manner that already makes us empathise with him, I love the beautiful and symbolic writing that you weave into the summary, I love how you indirectly point out the intensity of the situation and how high the stakes are. Also, the premise of your story is captivating – so well done! This is a great summary.

One quick note! You were missing a comma in the following sentence:

Yet forced to spend his days...

It should be:

Yet, forced to spend his days...

Otherwise, great work. I'm very excited to read on. 

Grammar: 3.5/5

Overall, your story was very polished. You clearly know your grammar fundamentals, so well done! There were just a few rules that need revising.

First of all, dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I'm good," she grinned.

"She grinned" does not refer to how the words are spoken. It should be:

"I'm good." She grinned.

Another example:

"But I need my free time," My voice croaked.

This one is a little tricky. It still could be a verbal tag, if you're writing 'my voice' instead of 'I'. However, if that is the case, you shouldn't capitalise the 'm'. It should be:

"But I need my free time," my voice croaked.

Next, be careful not to mix up the noun forms and verb forms of words. You only did this with one word, really, and funnily enough, a lot of authors on Wattpad have been making this mistake (or, at least, the ones I've had to review). In the example I'm about to discuss, we'll be looking at the word 'breath' – breath being the noun, and breathe being the verb.

Remembering not to breath in too deeply...

In the example above, you used the noun when you should have used the verb. It should be:

Remembering not to breathe in too deeply...

Also, watch out for tenses. It only fluctuated to present tense in rare instances, but I did catch you writing in present tense when the rest of the story was in past. For example:

But I didn't know why. I don't know how long I sat there.

If we break it down:

"But I didn't know why." [didn't = past tense]

"I don't know how long I sat there." [don't = do not = present tense]

Make sure you keep it consistent. 

Characterisation: 5/5

I think Tahro is an absolutely fantastic protagonist. My heart bled for him straight away (we can all relate to how horrid it is having a parent turn off the WiFi!). His narration can be witty and amusing, and what I particularly like is how mundane he feels in the midst of such an epic new world – when he didn't die at the hands of a kidnapper, I could not stop myself from laughing as he said, "A God-given deus ex machina." Also, when he's rushing to meet squad six, chiding himself for being late btu then saying that, in his defence, it was Saturday – moments of those sheer humanness are fantastic because it keeps him so very real.

I like that he isn't perfect. While he did amazing in the first round of the tournament (I was so proud of his 98%), he only came twenty-ninth in the second round (though, I adored the wit he used with the decoy!). He also has a very clear moral compass, which is fantastic – yes, he can be impatient and impulsive, but it's always for a good cause, like saving children or people he cares about.

The dynamic of squad six was also particularly something I liked. Cho seems like a sweetheart, and I loved seeing Tahro blush around her. Kei seems a little bit of a bossy one, and I actually wondered whether the squad was a reflection of Tahro's real-life. For example, perhaps Cho was a reflection of Yuuhei, while Kei represents his mother in some way? I don't know – I think I was reading far too into it.

Also, speaking of Yuuhei and the mother, I adored the former. He proves to be quite sweet but also a good voice of reason, pointing out that the minister already thinks that Tahro is a spy, and encouraging Tahro to not act too impulsively. However, gosh, Tahro's mother – I want to attack her! I hope she develops to let Tahro breathe, because the poor thing is under way too much pressure to be on top of all those classes. Also, random note, I love Ahio's energy.

In other words, your characterisation is spot-on. Well done! Each character felt distinct, genuine, and were a joy to read about. 

Writing Style: 4.5/5

I adore your writing – in fact, I loved it from the very second we saw Tahro pick up the Blade Fables. It was so interesting reading about how the presence of the manga went on to affect the air around him, what he heard, what he felt. That was great writing. Well done!

In fact, overall, you handled the balance between showing and telling masterfully while also keeping it in character. I loved the internal monologue and wonderfully it was paced, I loved feeling exactly what Tahro was feeling, and I adored the purposeful but effective descriptions of the characters. If I was being picky, I kind of wish I had more descriptions regarding the setting.

Mind you, we definitely caught glimpses of the types of students, the amphitheatres, the library, towers – but sometimes, I wish you'd go that one step further and compare the two very distinct settings. That would be an effective way to compare and contrast, and really shape the reader's perception of the mood and setting.

Otherwise, fantastic work. 

Plot + Originality: 5/5

I honestly love the structure. I adore the concept of the story being a letter to Youka, and though it sometimes jumps from one place to the next, it did make a lot of sense – it felt a lot like a letter. So, in that part, great work.

I also love the ambiguity that the characters face every now and then. We have high stakes – we literally have dead children. We also don't know where the Ministers lie exactly, and whether they are on the good side or the bad side of things. It's fascinating to see Tahro not only balance this crazy tournament, but also struggle with his mundane problems – like wanting to go to the same school as Yuuhei, but knowing his father wouldn't want to pay the fee for a private school.

The tournament itself gives the story a very clear direction, and thus far, it's been very engaging and great to read. I am very excited to see how the third round goes with collecting the keys, and I'm particularly interested to see how Kei and Tahro work together in that round.

Overall, I'm excited to see where the story is headed. Thus far, the pacing and direction is clear and engaging. Well done! 

OVERALL SCORE: 23/25

Overall, a fantastic story with a wonderful premise and loveable characters. Just work on your punctuation, and you should be good to go! I hope this review helps.