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I never watched Yugioh, but I recognize him on the cover. I noticed one of your character's names is Yugi so I am unsure if this is a fanfiction with a vampire spin, or if you were just adding his personality and name to the story. In the few chapters that I read, there was no mention of shadow games or anything that is traditionally linked to Yugioh, but I admit that it gives the fark vampiric vibe that I assume your story is aiming for. The title is also in line with the plot, where I assume the vampires are going to fight over who gets to claim her. I would suggest capitalizing belongs and removing the ... but that's a style choice that is up to you.
Summary: 2/5
The summary gives us basic information on what to expect from the story, however, I think it could be expanded and edited to improve its quality. The number two in the blurb does not to be capitalized, and the word blood does not need to be in parenthesis. The summary mentions the main character is escaping from her village, but I'd suggest adding a quick sentence of why she's escaping. It mentions how two vampires take an interest in her blood, but I want to know what's special about her blood. Also, you write "Will she accept the vampire's feelings or drive a stake through the bloodsucker's hearts?" There is a lot that is grammatically incorrect about that sentence. If you are referring to both vampires then it needs to state "Will she accept the vampires' feelings or drive stakes through the bloodsuckers' hearts?" When using plural possessive the apostrophe comes after the s, and I assume most people use multiple stakes when speaking of multiple hearts. More so, how did we get from them being interested in her blood to her being romantically interested in them? I think the summary can be fleshed out a bit more to improve its quality.
Initial Impression: 2/5
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I like how we start out with some action, I am personally a fan of this technique. It immediately grabs the reader's interest and makes us want to know more. However, the grammar here is severely lacking. I suggest downloading Grammarly and splitting up long sentences to reduce confusing run-ons. I would rephrase: I grabbed Yugi's hand, dragging him behind me as we ran behind the neighborhood houses. Then start the next sentence as a new one. I would also suggest showing rather than telling the reader that they are scared, such as mentioning sweating, shaking, crying, etc.
The next paragraph is wordy, and I feel that it could be simplified while relaying the same message in a more condensed manner. Learning to simplify your writing and improving showing rather than telling will come with practice. There are many grammatical mistakes that need to be addressed, which I will talk about in the next section. However, I feel that it is important to also mention it here in initial impressions because it is a bad first impression to give to readers.
Aside from the mistakes, I think you did a good job choosing an exciting hook, having them on the run from danger. You started some character dynamics, mentioning how Yugi was the MC's only friend. I would consider expanding on that in order to have us connect and invest more emotionally in the MC.
Grammar + Punctuation: 1/5
Again, Grammarly and intense editing are necessary. Grammar is not my forte, and I am not an editor, but the story was very difficult to read due to the abundant, distracting mistakes. Here are a few examples below:
You are missing punctuation for dialogue: Here are a few examples from chapter one, these are recurrent mistakes so I will not list all of them.
"Come out little ones" -requires a period at the end of the dialogue.
"You didn't forget about me did you" --requires punctuation within the dialogue AND at the end of the dialogue.
"Don't worry we'll survive this Yugi, trust me" --again, punctuation within the dialogue AND at the end of the dialogue.
"Don't worry their still good, the last time I went camping was like two days ago" -punctuation and they're, not their .
Most sentences are lacking in sentence structure or lacking words/punctuation that complete the sentence.
Chapter 1: "We heard the sound of twigs breaking and suddenly we saw him, but I could only a quick look because suddenly Yugi tripped and I had to grab him. -- again, this should be split into multiple sentences for clarification and "I could only a quick look" needs to be revised because it does not make sense.
Chapter 2: "I signed..." I think you mean I sighed.
"They're two of them one for you and one for me", -There's instead of They're, a comma is missing after them, and the comma belongs on the inside of the quotation mark.
Chapter 3: "...hear then talking..." - them instead of then
There are mistakes in almost every other sentence. However, the majority of the sentences make sense. I chose a few prominent recurrent mistakes to point out, but again, I am not an editor so I will not be combing through and listing every correction.
Characterisation: 3/5
The characters have different personalities, and I like what you've started thus far. Yugi's more shy and reserved, he needs coddling and is more of a follower. On the other hand, your MC took on the role of the leader, comforter, and protector of Yugi. I respect that, and I respect her loyalty to her friend. It's my favorite thing about her thus far into the story. As for the vampires, Atem is the more hotheaded one who is spontaneous, while his brother is more of the planner and the thinker. I think you did a good job showing their personalities through their actions and the comparisons between these two pairs make each of their traits more apparent. Good job!
Plot + Originality: 1/5
The plot is there, but it is a very cliché plot of vampire taking a normal girl and making them their pet. Thus far there was no expansion of the girl's history, the vampire's history, why they're especially attracted to her blood, or why there was even a village bloodbath to begin with. I am also not a fan of the whole love at first sight bit, where both vampires are obsessed with her and have fallen for her seconds after they met her. They know nothing about her, and even if they're only interested in her because of her looks and blood we don't even really know what so special about either. You mentioned she was beautiful once, but I don't even know what she looks like. I would suggest expanding on all these facets to make the story more well rounded.
Additional Comments?
--I would suggest writing the MC's internal thoughts with italics.
--I like that we see both the vampire's view as well as the MCs.
--If the vampire wasn't at the village bloodbath, how would they know that the MC was from there? And also, why would the humans run back out of the house to see the noise, knowing that there are vampires there waiting to eat them?
I will repeat what I wrote in my last review: There are many different kinds of stories out there. Some stories are written for the audience with the goal to either entertain, inform, or get a distinct message across. Some stories are written for the author, and I believe this is one of them. There is nothing wrong with those types of stories, but I believe you are writing this story mostly for your own entertainment at this point. We were all starting out at some point, and I think the best way for you to improve as a writer is simply to keep reading and writing. Practice makes perfect, and some revision and editing before publishing will also go a long way.
