Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: The New Chapter of Us

Title: The New Chapter of Us

Author: artemisbreeze

First of all, thank you so much for requesting a review from me for a second time! I always feel a little warm on the inside when I see someone request a second review from me. Also, thank you so much for your patient. You're the last client who I accepted before closing forms to catch-up, and while you are receiving your review on the exact date that I promised you would receive it, I really appreciate your patience – three months is no small wait, and you've been a champion about it. Thank you! 

Summary: [no score – not added to final score]

Similar to your last story (Anagata, I believe it was?), your summary isn't a traditional summary and, thus, is very hard to review. Rather, you have chosen one of those one-liner aesthetic summaries that are vague and intriguing. I like how poetic it is, and I know many people adore these summaries, so well done! 

Grammar: 2/5

The biggest issue I noticed here – and I say it was the biggest because it actually disrupted the flow of the story – was the constant switching of tenses. You kept moving from past to present tense inconsistently. I'll discuss this more in writing style, but for now, here are some other things you need to look at.

If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I mean, it's been a while." he said.

It should be:

"I mean, it's been a while," he said.

While we are still on dialogue, be aware of writing new paragraphs when the same character is speaking. You either need to include a verbal tag to make it clear that it's the same character speaking, or you need to change the punctuation marks to indicate this. For example:

"Alana Jeanne Naberrie, and yes, I still remember your full name. I like you. I liked you from the first place. I liked you since the first day of school. I liked you since we became best friends. I liked you since we entered the school team. I liked you since I knew you're a Star Wars freak too. Well, you're not a freak, I am."

"I liked you since we invented our code names. I like you, God, I really do. I never told you because I was afraid at first. And..."

To indicate that it's still Jacen talking, you should remove the closing inverted commas at the end of that first paragraph (or simple add a he continued in the second paragraph). It should be:

"Alana Jeanne Naberrie, and yes, I still remember your full name. I like you. I liked you from the first place. I liked you since the first day of school. I liked you since we became best friends. I liked you since we entered the school team. I liked you since I knew you're a Star Wars freak too. Well, you're not a freak, I am.

"I liked you since we invented our code names. I like you, God, I really do. I never told you because I was afraid at first. And..."

Next: capitalisation of proper nouns. At first, I thought you were intentionally leaving proper nouns uncapitalized, but you didn't keep it consistent. Names such as Kurt Cobain, Jacen Solo, Han Solo, Leia – all of these should be capitalised. Additionally, you had instances where your sentences were not ending with full-stops, so I suggest revising that.