Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: Leyland Adventures

Title: Leyland Adventures

Author: EkingJames5

Summary: 3/5

Your summary has some great elements to it – it cohesively introduces the setting, the characters, and the goal in a brief, succinct manner. That's really impressive, so well done! However, there are a few things that I've noticed.

First of all, punctuation. Let's look at your first paragraph:

After an experiment gone wrong, a teenage boy named Tysashi meets a beautiful teenage fairy named Aradressa, after getting teleported to a new world, Leyland, the two set out to bring Tysashi back home to the world of Lenovo while learning about this new planet.

That should not be one entire sentence. It should be broken up into:

After an experiment gone wrong, a teenage boy named Tysashi meets a beautiful teenage fairy named Aradressa. After getting teleported to a new world, Leyland, the two set out to bring Tysashi back home to the world of Lenovo while learning about this new planet.

Next, the second paragraph of your summary reads less of how a writer would pitch their story, and more like how a reviewer would summarise your story. If that's what you were going for, that's fine. But personally, as a reader, I would want more specific detail – what are the stakes? What new friends and friendships? What could go wrong? What is the danger? Right now, it feels a little vague and more like a teaser than a summary. 

Grammar: 2.5/5

Your grammar and punctuation could use a bit of brushing up, especially since it got to a point where the reading experience was a little awkward because of the errors. That's okay, though – I'm here to break down the major ones. Beware: there also are typos and missing words here and there. However, for this review, I'll be talking about the recurring mistakes I found that may need revising:

First of all, dialogue. Whenever you have dialogue, followed by a dialogue tagged which indicates who spoke and how they spoke, you need to keep it on the same line. For example:

"Ugh.....man I really don't wanna wake up today."

Lennon said as he tossed and turned in his bed.

It should be:

"Ugh.....man I really don't wanna wake up today." Lennon said as he tossed and turned in his bed.

But wait! It's still not correct. Because now, let's talk about punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). So, it should be:

"Ugh....man I really don't wanna wake up today," Lennon said as he tossed and turned in his bed.

Hold on, we're still not done! Now let's talk about the ellipsis. When you are using ellipsis, restrict it to three dots – not five, not ten (which happened quite a lot). It should simply be:

"Ugh...man, I really don't wanna wake up today," Lennon said as he tossed and turned in his bed.

Next, let's talk about run-on sentences. Here is an example from your story:

Tyashi took time to reflect on what he said, the dark history of their childhood still consumed him.

That is a run-on sentence. Why? Because you have two independent clauses in one sentences with a comma to separate them, making it a comma splice. Since the two clauses work perfectly on their own, they can easily be separated by a period instead.