Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Lone Wolf: Trapped in Darkness

Title: Trapped in Darkness

Author: NoNameIsWorkin

Reviewer: GryffindorsLoneWolf

Summary: 3/5

It's really short and concise, and I think adding a little bit more could make it interesting! Maybe using names, giving bits of emotional descriptions could help it.

Grammar: 3/5

There tends to be areas where you're switching from past to present tense with your verbs. Be careful about that, since it seems to happen quite a bit in the first few chapters.

I think when you're using dialogue tags, I've seen you write it with a period instead of a comma. It should be: 

'Cross my heart andhope to die,' you said

Unless you're starting a new sentence after the quotation marks, there's no need for a period or capitalization of the word that comes after.

Character Building: 3/5

This area seems to be lacking, mainly because she's blind. She can't see anything. But if she wasn't blind before, there's got to be things that she remembers when she had her sight, whether it's the desk near the front of her house, or the way her bedroom is arranged. 

I feel like there's so much potential you've got with descriptions. I think it'd be amazing if you added more about the surroundings and feelings of her environment. Blind people have the incredible ability to see without their eyes: the way they can tell whether they're under a tree or in the sunlight, whether they're walking on concrete or tile. The different smells and tastes of their surroundings.

There's so much potential to your story and it felt a little flat to me because a majority of it is a monologue of her telling her feelings to him.

Writing Style: 3/5

I love the letter writing idea. Honestly, I'm a sucker for good sad romances, and this one hurt a lot! I think if you wrote it like an actual letter, starting with 'Dear Felix' and ending it with something like 'Love, Felitown', it might hit people's hearts in a different way.

But you should add more descriptions of what she 'sees'. I get that she wants to be alone and that she doesn't want anyone 'bothering' her. You've got an incredible talent with emotions and writing them in. Frankly speaking, I wanted to bash her dad when I read chapter nine.

Plot + Originality: 5/5

I absolutely enjoyed reading this! It's gut-wrenching, heart-breaking and yet hopeful, especially with the last few letters. Your idea behind the story is brilliant! I haven't read a romance story this good in a while! It'd make an awesome novel if you delved deeper into writing the characters and lengthening the story!

I do think adding a bit more descriptions and making the chapters a little longer would make it more awesome than it already is but that's just my feeling. I love long chapters and some of yours seemed a bit shorter that I'd expected.

OVERALL SCORE: 17/25