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Review by Nathan: The Fallen Queen

Title: The Fallen Queen

Author: Marykhah77

Reviewer: NathanRound

Summary: 4/5

Your summary includes all the fundamentals. You introduce the main focus of the plot; you introduce the reader to the world as well as the main protagonist. I like how you ended your summary with a rhetorical question, it's a great way to rope in your readers. There's only one thing I would point out, and that is the shift of tenses within your summary.

'The country of Coriand had fallen into multiple troubles. A wide-spread plague was killing off many people, the queen has grown to a ruthlessness toward a specific pirate, and assassins, called Hunters, go around collecting debts for their allies, the Shadows.

When the queen is known to be unforgiving, cold, and extremely merciless after a pirate, a Hunter must step in. Faybelle Fallen is assigned to kill the pirate.

But what happened when the queen didn't want anyone in the way of her treasure? And what exactly made her so dangerous?'

Now in your summary, you shift from the past to the present tense numerously. Summaries, traditionally, tend to be written in the present tense and I'd advise you do the same. Below is how your summary should look in the present tense.

'The country of Coriand has fallen into multiple troubles: many lives have been claimed by a wide-spread, and very deadly plague. Meanwhile, a group of assassins, known as Hunters, are collecting debts for the Shadows; further adding to the chaos.

The Queen –who is well known for being unforgiving, cold and merciless- is growing more ruthless by the day, focusing most of her rage towards one specific pirate. Faybelle Fallen finds herself caught up in all the madness, after being assigned to kill the notorious pirate.

But what will happen to those who stand in the way of the Queen's treasure?

And what is it that makes her so feared and so dangerous?'

I changed the wording in your summary as well, just to make it flow a little better. You may use my example if you wish.

Grammar: 4/5

Your grammar is very good, actually. It's good to see that you use a wide range of punctuation, some writers tend to stick with the basics so it's great you strayed from the crowd. Your story can be read incredibly smoothly, and any errors made generally go unnoticed. However, like your summary, there are a few instances where you shifted from the past tense to the present tense. I'm sure it's not intentional, but you tend to shift to the present tense during your novel. Let's look at an example:

"You're the only one," she murmured, ashamed at how she trusts him more than the other people around this place.

The above line shifts from past to present tense. Let's break it down to show that:

"You're the only one," she murmured, ashamed...' [she murmured, ashamed = past tense.]

'...at how she trusts him more than the other people around this place.' [she trusts him = present tense.]

Now the word 'trusts' is in the present tense. Being as your novel is in the past tense, the line should be:

"You're the only one," she murmured, ashamed at how she trusted him more than the other people around this place.

Let's look at a second example:

'The remaining three looked around. They aren't scared; they're looking for her.'

Again, let's break the above line down:

'The remaining three looked around.' [looked = past tense]

'They aren't scared; they're looking for her.' [aren't + they're = present tense.]

Now the words 'aren't' and 'they're' are shortened forms of 'are not' and 'they are' which are in the present tense. The above line should be:

'The remaining three looked around. They weren't scared; they were looking for her.'

Another example: 

'Lawson pursed his lips shut, realising what he had just said, yet he makes no attempt to apologise.'

Now this sentence in the present tense, so 'makes' should be 'made.'

Furthermore, 'it'll', 'he'll' and 'she'll' are shortened forms of 'it will', 'he will', and 'she will.' It can be difficult referencing the future in the present tense, but it is still a change in tense nonetheless. Now, you must replace 'will' with would. In the past tense:

'It'll' will turn to 'it'd or 'it would.'

'He'll' will turn to 'he'd' or 'he would.'

'She'll' will turn to 'she will' or 'she would.'

Writing Style: 4/5

There are some great things with your writing style. Your descriptive writing is definitely your strong point. I like the part where you describe the Watergate Palace, your use of description and wording works well at giving a clear and vivid image of the setting. I also love how you refrain from telling us certain elements, instead you show us how characters feel, appear, and you describe the settings in detail also.

However, in your prologue, you refrained from describing what 'The Shadows' look like. Now it is clear that later on The Shadows are an organisation of sorts that the Hunters serve, but during the prologue we don't exactly know this, and you can't assume that the reader will know. So, in your prologue, you should describe what The Shadows look like. Maybe you could have described them as merely men in black clothing.

I also believe that third chapter should be split into two chapters also, being as it deals with a lot of elements and setting changes. I believe that you should end the chapter when Lawson and Fay have finished their conversation (in this case the last line will be where Fay says, "To you too, Caves."). Then the rest should be its own chapter as it focuses on Fay infiltrating the pirate ship.

Plot + Uniqueness: 4/5

Now it is hard to judge your plot with only a short fraction of your novel being published, but so far it is shaping up pretty nicely. I'm loving all the fantasy elements and terms, and it strays away from traditional fantasy with the inclusion of technology and the semi-real-world setting. Well done there!

Character Building: 4/5

Your characters are very diverse, no two characters appear the same and they all have their own quirks, personalities and voices. Fay herself is and strong individual, but despite her nature she seems to appear vulnerable to one person and one person alone: Lawson. The subtle playfulness and almost romantic energy between them are a nice touch in an almost serious plot, and it's handled greatly.

You flesh out your characters very nicely, they seem very real and grounded into reality- despite the fictional world your story is set in. Great job! 

OVERALL SCORE: 20/25

Overall a great story. Just sort out your tenses. I hope this review proved useful.