Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Gnome: Origin

Title: Origin

Author: KatyBizi

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 3/5

While your summary does have everything there (characters, setting, stakes, and your dilemma), it is phrased a little awkwardly which makes it a little hard to understand when reading it through the first time.

Here is your summary:

Kristy is a normal girl but why do weird things happen to her? From unusual dreams to weird incidents like unexplained fires. She hopes moving to the town of Dragony will finally give her the normal life she has been wishing for. However things do not go the way she wants them to.

A whole new world is unraveling in front of Kristy but where does she fit in all this?

Grammatically speaking, some parts do require commas. Here's a corrected version (commas in bold):

Kristy is a normal girl, but why do weird things happen to her? From unusual dreams to weird incidents, like unexplained fires. She hopes moving to the town of Dragony will finally give her the normal life she has been wishing for. However, things do not go the way she wants them to.

A whole new world is unraveling in front of Kristy, but where does she fit in all this?

This just makes it more concise. The phrasing makes it a little harder to understand, for example, you could go more into detail about why she's normal (it is a little contradicting to say she's a "normal girl" and saying straight after weird things happen to her—as that isn't technically "normal"). I actually would advise against using the phrase "normal girl" as it is an extremely overused phrase in blurbs. You also repeat "weird" in the first and second sentence, try using a synonym instead, as the current state makes it a redundant sentence.

The sentence "from unusual dreams to weird to weird incidents like unexplained fires" sounds incomplete maybe you could add (changes in bold):

From unusual dreams to abnormal incidents, like unexplained fires, Kristy's hit with a lot of problems. She hopes moving to...

Note: this is just a suggestion (albeit pretty bad), you can change it however you like.

I really liked the ending question, as it draws the reader in. Other than the things I mentioned you have a very interesting blurb! Well done!

Grammar: 2.5/5

While you definitely knew your basics, there were still some things that needed work. Don't worry, though, I'm here to help you.

Let's start with the most obvious: typos. There were quite a few. You can find them if you reread your story (so I suggest you do a quick edit). It was usually the wrong conjugation of a word, which you should be able to spot easily.

I also noticed you misused apostrophes. That's okay, because it's the most commonly misused punctuation—so you're not alone—but I'll show you some mistakes and how to correct them. The error I saw most commonly was using the wrong "it's" and "its". "Its" is used for things belonging to animals and objects. Like: "Its fur was red", for example. "It's" is short for "it is" or "it has". So, a trick to help you when you're confused, is to always read the sentence using "it is/has". If it sounds weird, it's probably the right time to use "its". If it works, use "it's".