Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: The Year Package

Title: The Year Package

Author: Jumping_Jiminys

Summary: 3/5

First things first, your summary contains some great elements in it – it introduces the protagonist, and, through a rhetorical question, introduces the stakes – which is pretty great! While there is no setting established, the entire summary gives a vague idea of what to expect – there is supernatural stuff, but there also seem to be human-esque elements to it. Well done!

However, I think your summary could use some polishing. Let's look at that first part about Mae, Luna, and Delilah. I'm definitely confused by it; who sighed? Are all the sentences supposed to lead somewhere? And, avoid writing things like '*sigh*' in your writing; weave it into the writing through narrative language. My issue with the first part is that it doesn't lead anywhere, and the names Delilah and Luna are introduced, but never elaborated upon in the actual summary.

A few more things:

...she is highly sorted after.

I think you mean 'sought' – which means, wanted.

Also, in that final rhetorical question, when you talk about 'the men who'll go without' – go without what? Go without her? I think that may need to be clarified. However, I do like the end regarding the money; it makes it clear that there is more to the story. 

Grammar: 2.5/5

Your grammar could definitely use some work. First of all, let's look at an example and break it down from there:

He wrapped his hand around my waist while another ran down my exposed back, I shivered at his cold touch, but my insides warmed as he pushed himself against me the tension in his pants evident against my back.

So, that sentence is a run-on sentence. Basically, a run-on sentence is when you have two independent clauses in one sentence with a comma or nothing to separate them; in this case, since you've used a comma between "down my exposed back" and "I shivered at his cold touch", you have a comma splice.

Additionally, you need another form of punctuation before 'the tension in his pants'. Consider:

He wrapped his hand around my waist while another ran down my exposed back. I shivered at his cold touch, but my insides warmed as he pushed himself against me, the tension in his pants evident against my back.

Next, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I said no." He said firmly.

It should be:

"I said no," he said firmly.

Another example:

"Nonsense," My mother cried.

Since there is a comma, the 'my' does not need to capitalised – it is not the start of a new sentence. It should be:

"Nonsense," my mother cried.

And, finally, look out for words that sound similar but are spelt differently. For example: