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Review by Nathan: We Are Omens

Title: We Are Omens

Author: Veturiuss

Reviewer: NathanRound

Quick note from reviewer: 

Before we get started, I want to apologise for the long wait. At the time of writing this review I have been both sleep deprived and filled with a bad case of brain fog. So, with that being said, I apologise for any mistakes found in this review. I have edited it as best as I can but, errors always find a way of slipping past my looking glass.

Summary: 4/5

I believe you were going for a unique summary as opposed to the traditional ones you see here on Wattpad. Therefor I will be focusing on the extended summary within your novelisation.

I'm loving your summary. That opening line alone is very effective in roping in the reader. It contains all the fundamentals you'd expect to see within a summary: an introduction to the world, the plot, the main conflicts and turning points of the story.

Your summary itself is fairly mysterious in the way it's delivered. 'Under the sky that bleeds red at dusk, a king sees a black dog snarling at his gate.' This line alone left an impression on me. It's very eerie and uncanny, I alone was eager to find out what exactly happens afterwards.

The only thing I want to point out is that last paragraph. Now, nothing is wrong with it whatsoever, but I believe that it would work a lot better if it's positioned after the opening line.

'Under the sky that bleeds red at dusk, a king sees a black dog snarling at his gates.

In a kingdom built upon lies, where the darkness stands victorious and the light lays six feet beneath the ground, being bad is the only way to be alive.' ...

I believe it flows that much better, and the paragraph of the two main protagonists that follows strongly intertwines with the above paragraph. Not to mention ending the summary with the rhetorical question used, will create a stronger hook and emphasis.

Writing Style: 3/5

Your writing style is superb. Your openings are incredibly strong. There's a lot of emotion poured into your writing. You take your time to flesh out the world, introducing your own fantasy tropes and elements to immerse us into this fictional world you have created. Your description is nice, especially in those scenes that incorporate a lot of action. The narration itself creates a very dark and brooding atmosphere which works very well with the characters and plot. I see a lot of novels here on Wattpad that deal with dark plots and themes, yet their narration is very light-hearted all throughout, so well done there. Unfortunately, your grammar does affect your writing style a tad bit.

Grammar: 3/5

Now, overall, your grammar needs work.

The first thing I'd like to focus on is tenses. Now, your novel itself is in the present tense, but throughout your story you switch to the past tense. It can be very jarring at times and messes with the fluidity of your story. Let's take a look at some examples and fix them shall we:

'Her smile grows wider, knowing he's caught the bait. "A hundred pieces of silver on the line if you beat my friend in a fight."

The crowd stills, a hush could be heard.

A hundred pieces was a lot of money.'

Now those two last lines are not in the present tense [a hush could be heard= past, A hundred pieces was a lot of money = past.] However, this is grammatically incorrect as you are not referring to past events, but are referring to a present event as your book is in the present tense. Therefore, it should be:

'Her smile grows wider, knowing he's caught the bait. "A hundred pieces of silver on the line if you beat my friend in a fight."

The crowd stills. A hush fills the room.

A hundred pieces is a lot of money.'

Another example:

'Now? He had it all.

Well, almost. All he needed was money, a means to leave or a way to thrive. To look for the people that took his control away from him. They hide behind their own wealth so much he wishes he could have wealth of his own to use against them. He hated to admit it but he was also in it for the glory.'

Again, you jump from the past to the present tense when narrating about present events:

'Now? He has it all.

Well, almost. All he needs is money, a means to leave or a way to thrive. To look for the people that take his control away from him. They hide behind their own wealth so much he wishes he could have wealth of his own to use against them. He hates to admit it but he is also in it for the glory.'

There are a few more instances where you unintentionally shift tenses, but I'd like to focus on your dialogue. I advise that you go through your narrative and polish your tenses.

When dealing with dialogue, you must know that all dialogue should end with punctuation, and although you do end all your dialogue with punctuation, it isn't always correct. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (like 'he said', 'she exclaimed', 'he whispered', and so on) then there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas (but if it's a question then a question mark should take its place, or an exclamation mark for an exclamation). Let's take a look at some examples:

"You're right about that." He hums. 

This is incorrect as 'he hums' is a verbal tag. Therefore, it should be:

"You're right about that," he hums .

[ray_of_sunshine9 here. Nathan is absolutely correct, however, that's only if you meant that he was humming the words. However, if he hummed after saying the words, and was just humming a basic tune or something that had nothing to do with the words, then what you had written in the first place is correct.]

Another example:

"Roman! Althea! How lovely to see you both." Victor Alcides greets...'

Again, the same applies to this text. 'Victor Alcides greets' is a verbal tag and so it should be:

"Roman! Althea! How lovely to see you both," Victor Alcides greets...'

Plot + Originality: 4/5

Having only seen five chapters, it is very hard to judge your novelisations plot alone, as a lot is still a mystery. But judging by the five chapters that are available to read, you're off to a very good start. I look forward to seeing how your story shapes in the future.

Character Development: 4/5

Again, with only a small fraction of your story being published, it is hard to score character development. But so far you are off to a good start. Both Roman and Althea are very diverse characters. It's great how you show us their cunning skill sets when depicting scenes where they are out committing crime.

You take your time in fleshing out each character, giving us small little insights on their past while still furthering the plot at the same time. I can't say all too much about the other characters that show up in later chapters, but I'm sure that's because the readers don't know them all that well after reading only five chapters. 

OVERALL SCORE: 18/25