Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: Rock the Miles Away

Title: Rock the Miles Away

Author: MonicaPrelooker

Summary: [no score – not added to final score]

I love the way you've introduced your characters separately, and lead it into how their lives intertwine. However, I've decided not to score the summary, because it's one of those summaries where it only briefly hints at the conflict without really showing the direction of the story. That's not a bad thing – in all honesty, it works wonderfully for your story. In other words, I'm very excited to read! 

Grammar: 4/5

Without a doubt, you know the rules when it comes to grammar and punctuation. In all honestly, the only things I spotted were very minor things that most people probably would have brushed over if they weren't writing a few. Here they are:

At the other end of the room, near the large windows, was an old set of couch, armchairs, and a coffee table.

Since you're saying there is a 'set of', you need to change 'couch' to the plural form. It should be:

At the other end of the room, near the large windows, was an old set of couches, armchairs, and a coffee table.

Next:

She lit a cigarette and strolled down the hall, to smoke as she stared blankly into the pitch-black night outside.

You don't need the comma in that sentence. I know this makes it a rather long sentence without punctuation, so I suggest changing the structure of one of the clauses to allow for the comma. For example:

She lit a cigarette and strolled down the hall, smoking as she stared blankly into the pitch-black night outside.

Another comma issue:

First of all the age gap.

You need a comma in that sentence, short as it is, since you've used an introductory phrase. It should be:

First of all, the age gap. Or even: First of all: the age gap.

Another error:

...chocking and blushing like a rotten tomato.

So, to chock something is to prevent the movement of something with a chock (a wedge that is usually used to stop wheels). I think you meant choking.

She and Jay had their last coffee from the old machine, and improvised farewell ritual they explained to Sean, laughing.

I think you meant an instead of and.

All of those are extremely minor things, so after that chapter, I stopped worrying about little typos and just let myself enjoy the story. 

Characterisation: 5/5

As always, your characterisation is nothing short of wonderful.

Even at the very start, where we don't know the protagonist's name (until they introduce themselves through dialogue), we feel the characters through the character-driven writing. We feel their despair, their longings, their conflicts, without it ever feeling forced of clunky.

So, Jay. The lovely bastard. A bad boy on Wattpad who has actually been written in a way that makes him three dimensional and complex; he isn't moody at all, and rather, we feel his progression of thoughts and emotions. From the very start, we know he's promising – he actually shows concern before he gets to know Silvia, and he always does his best to make her laugh when he can see she's not happy.

And Silvia, my gosh! I loved her a lot. She felt very real – the way she avoids talking about her problems by getting up to get coffee, the way she shows she's a fighter in subtle ways (her wonderful use of language, the fact that she broke Pat's arm). I love how music melts away her pain, and it made her relationship with Jay feel so much more meaningful.

Better yet, the side character perspectives – such as Sean – actually add some nice weight to the story. His view shows the reader from an outsider perspective how strong Jay felt towards Silvia – with his observing of how he got upset when Silvia was leaving. I adore Jo and how she talks some sense into Sean when he was irritating me, and better yet, while Silvia and Jim developed as characters, we also see Sean develop through his thoughts on them – for example, when he saw them hug, he sees that his brother is actually happy.

Also, the friendships feel so real. I love it. When can I sit in with Silvia and have some mate?

In other words, fantastic work here. 

Writing Style: 5/5

I will always be the first to say it – I am not a fan of songs written in stories. For me, chapters where lyrics are splayed out over the page just feel tacky to me. However, you've made me change my mind because you've incorporated it incredibly well. After reading your story, I'm thinking the mistake people make is that they just plant the lyrics there, but don't add any description to make it carry any weight.

You, on the other hand, let us feel the lyrics through your description of how they sing, of what they feel when they sing, of how their voices interact. It's beautiful work, so well done! Your descriptions were purposeful and, in some instances, madly creative – exasperated dwarves in the coffee machine? Brilliant.

Anyways, yes, stunning descriptions, fluent writing, engaging material. A stand-out moment of the writing to me was when we read about the concept of the power of changing a song into acoustic; the lyrics are the same, and yet, the acoustic thrumming changes the meaning. It reminded me a lot of the characters – how, by being thrown in unfamiliar situations and contexts, their personalities shine in different ways. Or was that me overthinking, as usual? Probably.

Once again, great work. 

Plot + Originality: 5/5

This is a chicklit through and through, and it might actually be one of the first chicklits that I've loved reviewing – simply because it was written in a way that felt real, touching, and featured stunning characterisation. Even though it's all so mundane – singing, talking about themselves – the way the songs reflect their positions add an almost magical touch to the story.

The comfort and relationship/friendship between the two protagonists feel so easy and natural, and I did laugh at him being able to just barge into the bathroom even though she was in the shower; it led to this beautiful moment where they both treated it as such a normal occurrence, and yet, they both acknowledged it wasn't.

I love the philosophy of not deleting photos, as that involves denial, and rather, learning from the past mistakes instead. Also, gosh, the nostalgia this story brought me – Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd? Man, my heart.

The short chapters were definitely a little jarring at first – I'm used to chapters with clear beginnings, middles, and end. However, even with your short chapters, they carried weight and brought a progression between the characters that still made them very effective. I'm very interested to see what happens next – especially after the steamy scene just now, with some loose ends that feel like they need tying. It's not a happy ending yet, and we still have a bit of 'mildness and sadness' to resolve. I'm also not feeling a very clear story climax just yet, so I assume that will be coming soon. Best of luck for the rest of the story! 

OVERALL SCORE: 19/20

I'm usually very picky with chicklits; if a story is going to be written with no terrifying stakes, it has to be written to perfection. And yours has been written extremely, extremely well, so well done! Just make sure you check up on those little slip-ups, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!