Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: The Ring of Time

Title: The Ring of Time

Author: Le0pard0

Summary: 4/5

This is a pretty fantastic summary. I like that you introduce the backstory of the crystal, and how this goes on to affect the two protagonists. I love the way you introduce a bit of their stories – with emphasis on Ethan's – and how this leads into how the ring could possibly help him. I particularly loved your final paragraph, with the rhetorical question and philosophical underpinnings.

If I'm being a bit picky, I'll be honest – I still don't know the direction of the story. What will Ethan do once he discovers this magical world? Will he go on to do something to cure his ordinary world? If so, what are the stakes – what are the dangers that may threaten Ethan in his goal? The stakes are the best way to completely take hold of the reader and make them yearn for more.

Otherwise, good work! 

Grammar: 3.5/5

Your grammar is pretty decent, and made reading a fluent and easy experience. However, there were a few things I caught. Let's go through them, shall we?

First of all, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"If there is anyone here, we will see them." Drew said, his lips curved into a frown.

Since 'Drew said' directly refers to the words being spoken, it should be:

"If there is anyone here, we will see them," Drew said, his lips curved into a frown.

Another example:

"I had to try," Amora smiled.

You can't smile your words. It should be:

"I had to try." Amora smiled.

Or:

"I had to try," Amora said, smiling.

Next, watch out for your tenses. I know it can be tempting to switch to present tense when you're talking about the world, but it still must consistent with the tense of the rest of the story. For example:

Ethan's brain had hidden injuries that the medical science fails to explain.

In that sentence, there is a shift of tenses. Let's break it down:

Ethan's brain had hidden injuries... [had = past tense]

... that the medical science fails to explain. [fails = present]

You need to make sure the tenses are consistent throughout the story.

Also make sure that you have commas in the appropriate places. There were some instances where I felt like you were missing a comma. For example:

The death goddess was generous to Ethan as along with giving him legs, she gave him a body that was six feet and five inches tall.

For the sentence to read fluently, you need an additional comma so that the sentence looks like:

The death goddess was generous to Ethan as, along with giving him legs, she gave him a body that was six feet and five inches tall.

Also double check that you are using the appropriate vocabulary. For example: