Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: The Prince of Nowhere

Title: The Prince of Nowhere

Author: jinnyhawkins

Summary: [no score – will not be added to final score]

Your summary is just an excerpt from the story, so I chose not to review your summary. However, you have chosen a relatively interesting excerpt – one that perhaps shows an overall theme within the story, and hints at the direction of the character development. Just a quick note, though – if you are going to use an excerpt from a story as your summary (which is a pretty popular choice on Wattpad), make sure the grammar is completely polished. For example:

"You want me to tell you," She said slowly...

It should be:

"You want me to tell you," she said slowly...

More on this in the grammar section, though! 

Grammar: 3/5

Interestingly, the first few chapters were a lot more polished than the later chapters. In the later chapters, the paragraphing style changed so there was less space between the paragraphs, and also, your punctuation marks were constantly in incorrect places. For example:

" I'm sorry," The words, dripping with loathing, slipped past his teeth before he could reign them in." I think you meant ignored."

The inverted commas should be attached to the words within the dialogue. It should be:

"I'm sorry." The words, dripping with loathing, slipped past his teeth before he could reign them in. "I think you meant ignored."

You'll notice that I also changed a comma to a period instead. That was another error you made throughout the entire story. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I'm sorry." She said breathlessly.

'She said' directly refers to the words being spoken. It should be:

"I'm sorry," she said breathlessly.

You also have misplaced commas, or sentences missing commas. For example:

But over the last year, Chris had come to know certain things, that he wouldn't have believed if..."

You don't need the comma after 'things.' It should be:

But over the last year, Chris had come to know certain things that he wouldn't have believed if..."

Another example:

"Wake up Nathan will you."

In that example, you are missing a comma. It should be:

"Wake up Nathan, will you?"

Also, I added a question mark at the end. In fact, you tended to have a lot of questions missing their question marks. At first, I thought it was because you were trying to make characters such as Chris and Fang sound dry and sarcastic, but there were examples where I thought a question mark was necessary. For example:

Who in their right mind lived in New York and actually still bought that junk.

I would replace the full-stop with a question mark.