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Review by Gnome: Edward's Escape

Title: Edward's Escape

Author: UnicornandWriter

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 3/5

While your summary is short, straight to the point, and explains some of the plot, it doesn't have all the necessary things to a good, professional summary: characters, setting, dilemma, and stakes ("what will happen if he doesn't escape within a certain time limit", for example). Try to use all of these elements (and watch out for a redundancy, or repetition in a word/phrase/variant of a word in a sentence or paragraph) in your summary, as well as making sure your phrasing isn't too awkward. This will make it sound much more intriguing and give some more information about your story.

Here is a rough example of what your summary could look like if all elements are used:

In the city/town/country of (enter name of city/town/country*), young Edward (last name) has been kidnapped and sold to slavery. After a year suffering in those horrible conditions, he finally meets a woman who he thinks could alter the course of his future. Can Edward escape and make it to freedom? Or will he be caught and forced into a life like this forever?

(This is, of course, a rough idea of what it could look like, and it's just a suggestion!)

*For country, if it's based in Earth (as I believe it is) you can just say, for example, "In France", as people already know that's a country.

Grammar: 3/5

While you definitely knew your basics, there were some problems I noticed.

Firstly, and this is actually a pet peeve of mine, multiple (?) and (!) are actually incorrect. By that I mean (????!!!!) or (!!!) or even (?!). I understand its use in emphasis, but if you want to make it seem like the character is angry or shouting you can do all capitals (which isn't very professional, but you can still use it) or you can mention it in the verbal tag and prose.

I only noticed this once, at the beginning, you used "cya". "Cya" is an abbreviation for "see you", and is not meant to be used in prose. It's fine when texting people, but not in dialogue or in the narration and writing of a story.

Also, I noticed a consistency error. You should either write numbers like: "1" or "one" (the latter is more professional), instead of switching between the two.

I noticed a use of "---" as a dash (only once, however), but it's not a proper one.(—), (–), (--) are grammatically correct versions of them. There was inconsistency with these, too, so pick a version and stick to it.

There a few typos in some chapters. I recommend you to a reread to find them and clean them up! Some of them you'd have to look pretty carefully for, but you should be able to find most in a quick reread.

I noticed a point of view error in this phrase:

...and positioned my mouth so that it lined up neatly with his. He held my face as he began kissing her on the lips...

That was the only one I noticed in the chapters, however, so I think it was just a typo!

Overall, you know what you're doing with grammar, there are just some small slips. Good job!

Characters: 2.5/5

You had some very interesting characters and back stories, but I did they could be developed more and could have been more realistic. In terms of development, I think Edward has the capacity to grow a lot—and so far, you're showing a great job of him getting used to kindness!