Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Gnome: Healer

Title: Healer

Author: IrisPerea

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 5/5

A short and straight-to-the-point summary, which has everything you need in your standard blurb! Well done. You have introduced your character, setting, dilemma, and stakes well!

There was a small redundancy (a repetition of a word/phrase in a sentence or paragraph) I noticed, however. You repeated the word "land" a couple of times (counting words like "lowland" and "homeland"). Try either rephrasing the sentences or finding a synonym so it looks and sounds a little better and is easier to read!

Other than that small nit-pick, you have a good summary! Well done.

Grammar: 3.5/5

Overall, you certainly knew your basics when it came to grammar. I couldn't find too many mistakes, well done!

The main thing was typos. The number increased in the later chapters, but there were quite a handful in earlier ones as well. I think you can catch them all if you do a quick reread.

Another error, and I'm not sure if it's a typo or a recurring one, was that you wrote "never mind" as "nevermind". "Never mind" is actually two words, but this is an error a lot of people make so you're not alone!

Overall, you were good with grammar! Your story was quite clean; there was just a few small typos that happened through out the chapters. Other than that, great job!

Characters: [no score -- will not be added to final score]

Since there were only twelve chapters (and they were quite small in length), I will not count this in the final score as I couldn't really understand your character's true personalities and motivations.

However, I think you did a wonderful job when it came to establishing character relationships. I understood what they were to each other, and how close they were and what bonds they had made. That's something quite a few people struggle to do, so well done! I got a nice bit of Mira's personality as well when it came to saving Keevan and her responses to Thatot. Sorry there's not much here, but you've done a great job so far!

Writing Style: 3.5/5

I really like your writing style! Your descriptions were really nice to read, and I could understand what was going as things flowed seamlessly. I did have some tiny problems I'd like to point out.

Firstly, and this is a major nit-pick, I did think that the chapters could be a bit too short. Normally, I never say anything about chapter lengths as it's a pretty subjective topic, but it could be a little jarring for a chapter to end right in the middle of a scene. This is just a suggestion, and if you don't want to you do not need to do this at all, but maybe try having some longer chapters? Personally, the only good time to end a chapter mid-scene is when it ends on a cliffhanger. Otherwise, you might want to have a couple of scenes in a chapter and at the last one, finish it off. This is a big nit-pick of mine, though, and it doesn't count in your score.

Another error I noticed was redundancy. Here's a paragraph from your story:

A small girl-child ran through a green meadow, flowers threaded through her rich black hair. The breeze tossed the hem of a simple dress of darkest green. A younger boy followed, the wind tousling his fair hair. He tripped and fell, only to rise again, laughing. An old woman with silver hair sat in the crook of two roots from an old tree, smiling serenely at the children's antics.

This is an easy problem to solve. Whenever you find yourself doing something similar, try rephrasing the sentence or using synonyms (although be careful with the latter as not all synonyms work in the same sentence).

Unfortunately, I lost the paragraph I was going to use to show as an example, but I also saw some similar sentence structure at the beginning of sentences. Those would usually be a (subject + verb), something like this:

He walked...

He fell... 

He stood up...

(Rough example, I apologise.) It's alright when it's done once or twice, but three times or more is when it gets noticeable and sounds kind of stilted. Try rephrasing your sentences when you notice it become a bit repetitive. You can use this technique for emphasis, but in the times I saw it happen I don't think you meant it that way.

You had a vast vocabulary and some lovely descriptions—I really enjoyed your writing style, well done! Just a few small problems and nit-picks, but other than that, wonderful job!

Plot + Originality: [no score -- will not be added to final score]

From what was there, I definitely liked the beginning of your story—and the little bits of worldbuilding was fabulous. My only qualm was that maybe you could explain a bit more on the automaton, how Keevan found it in more detail, why it's important, and how it looks. The part seemed important to the storyline, however its discovery was a few short sentences. I recommend you go into more detail so people can understand its importance and why soldiers are coming to their village to find it. Other than that, I really liked what you had so far!

OVERALL SCORE: 12/15

Sorry for such a short review and omitting a handful of sections. I think you had a great foundation for the story, and I adored your writing style! There are a few typos and errors, but other than that, good job!