Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: Wild Child

Title: Wild Child

Author: AudenLouise

Summary: 5/5

Quite frankly, I think this is an exceptional summary for a relatively contemporary story like yours (I know it's not set in contemporary time; I just mean that it's not a end-of-the-world stakes such as a fantasy novel would). You introduce the setting, the character and their drive, and then introduce the conflict. Then, as you discuss the conflict, you seamlessly make it look more and more threatening, which is fantastic.

And while the stakes are a bit vague, I think it works for your story and your summary. Overall, you've got a very fluent and succinct summary that feels very professionally written. I am very excited to start reading. Well done!

Grammar: 4/5

I was really happy with your grammar and punctuation. It was very clean and polished, and I hardly had to take any notes at all – well done! However, here are a few things that I did note:

Tenses. I think this issue rarely popped up, but when it did, it was a little jarring for the reader. In the first chapter, you set the scene and start with 'the sun was dropping', indicating past tense. And, for the most part, it was in past tense, but then there were these moments:

"Sorry," I mumble. [mumble = present tense]

I leaned forward, sliding off of the man's leg. [leaned = past tense]

Thus, leaving inconsistencies. I recommend double-checking for tense slip-ups.

Next, dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Hey," Donna didn't sound mad anymore.

It should be:

"Hey." Donna didn't sound mad anymore.

And finally, watch out for just tiny little slips. For example:

San Fransisco was a huge town.

I believe it is spelt 'San Francisco'. 

Characterisation: 5/5

I adore everything you've done here. Everything.

Beverly makes an impact on the reader right away. I love how she describes herself, holding spite towards her own name and what a goody-two-shoes she was. It instantly gives her drive and motivation; she wants to be special, and she wants to branch away from who she used to be. She ignores her instincts, because she feels as if her own instincts are really her parents' instincts. She wants to be an individual, and this makes her a perfect target for Nadia, who gives her that feeling.

Speaking of Nadia, you've handled her exceptionally well as an antagonistic character that the reader grows to hate. I, personally, first liked Nadia – the dialogue about aliens in the White House? Great first impression. And then we are slowly lured into the sour days becoming more frequent, the rather cult-like nature of not liking Fate/Beverly talking to others, and the concept of Truth, Freedom, Love. A great manipulator, handled well – we can actually understand why Beverly feels absolutely stuck.

My favourite thing had to be Beverly's development throughout the story. Because, over time, the narration itself started to lose that internal monologue that signified individual thought. It became less of what she thought of things, and more focused on autonomy and her actions. That moment where she described her thoughts as a Picasso painting – too abstract to make sense of it – was perfect.

My heart broke when she killed Donna, especially since Donna seemed like she may actually talk the sense back into her. Her reaction to the killing was beautifully realistic – the nausea, the guilt, the inability to eat, the nightmares. Very well done! I thought it may have been a turning point, but alas, she helped Nadia lie to the police, and the heartbreak began again. While I want Beverly to just turn away, I can understand that she is buried too deep – and that makes my heart go out to her even more.

Now, in the later chapters, after the moment with Penny, we're seeing the regret surface – wanting to go home, wishing she hadn't come to California. And yet, that's still conflicted with wanting to go back to Nadia, and eventually being so uncaring and full of despair that it led to a rather horrifying moment with the old man in the bar.

I'm really, really hoping she breaks away from Nadia and all that rather dystopian-esque/cult-like toxicity. Your character development is spot-on. 

Writing Style: 4/5

I don't have much to say here because I loved your writing. It was very engaging, with wonderful descriptions all throughout it. I particularly liked hearing how Beverly described things when she was high – she's more profound than anyone I've ever met. Tasting their laughter like buttered popcorn and the colour green, the description of the maggots when they found Energy's body – it was all purposeful, impactful, and written wonderfully.

The only real complaint I had, and it's me being rather picky, was that the writing tended to become a bit repetitive when it came to sentence structure. There were times where the writing felt intentionally robotic and awkward, and that's because you'd have several sentences in a row that looked like this:

She pulled off her...

She dipped one callused...

She yelped as she...

Fox looked at me...

Since the 'she' was Fox in all examples, it all essentially boils down to Fox [verb] [rest of the sentence]. When the same structure is used over and over again, all in a row, the writing feels a bit repetitive and awkward to read.

Otherwise, fantastic work in this department. 

Plot + Originality: 5/5

You've adapted the story to its time setting very, very well. We see homophobia still in place, we see bits of racism here and there, and there are so many philosophical topics that your story raises up. One of my favourites was the concept of who we are without anyone else – it's a very powerful theme, and I commend you for executing it so well!

The plot, so far, has been gripping. The cult-like energy I'm getting is rather haunting, and I kept turning the pages wondering how things would spiral and, eventually, how Beverly would respond to the events unfolding around her. There were so many moments of the story that felt so utterly shocking and compelling – Energy's body being found in the soil to 'fertilise the plants', and everyone being okay with it; the murder of Donna, as well as that horrific scene which ended up with Alive killing Kenneth and his son.

Also, the nicknames. Not sure if they were meant to be symbolic throughout, but the fact that Energy was used to fertilise the plants and Alive was the one who killed two people... irony, perhaps? Or am I reading into this too much?

Either way, I love everything you've done with this so far. It's been captivating, and it flows at a fantastic and cohesive pace. Well done! 

OVERALL SCORE: 23/25

I loved reviewing this story. It was absolutely not what I was expecting, because I don't often read stories like this. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to, though, because you have a gripping story with some excellent themes and stunning characterisation. Make sure you polish up a few grammatical details, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!