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Review by Gnome: The Play

Title: The Play

Author: Anyone187

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 4/5

Overall, I think what you have is pretty good—however, it is only one sentence long. And, while it does explain the characters and dilemma, I think you might also want to introduce the setting (where does this happen?) and the stakes (what will happen if the girl and the boy stay—is there a time limit to how long they can survive? Stakes are usually what happens if the problem isn't resolved, and it's used to create tension).

Other than that, you have a wonderful summary, and I love the mysterious feel to it! I recommend adding those last two things (as they are crucial in a proper summary), and you're good to go!

Grammar: 4.5/5

This is definitely one of the cleanest books I've seen, grammar-wise. I barely found any problems, so well done! You really know what you're doing!

There were some places I thought would be better off with a comma. In chapter one:

"Shut up, my villain. Look at you already being an ass," the voice spoke again.

To get a better emphasis, I would suggest writing it as:

"Shut up, my villain. Look at you, already being an ass," the voice spoke again.

I've seen this happening before, and I'm not exactly sure if poepte count it as any 'error', but (from chapter two):

"Just like it won't be hard for this dumbass" —he nonchalantly thumbed at Nathan— "to act like Dolion."

Now, this is considered an 'error' because, technically, dialogue is supposed to finish with punctuation, and it can't end without it. I suggest you change it to:

"Just like it won't be hard for this dumbass—" he nonchalantly thumbed at Nathan, "—to act like Dolion."

Or you could end the first part of the dialogue with a comma, and have nothing at the beginning of the second.

This is also super small, but you didn't put a double paragraph break here (chapter three):

Again, no interaction on Adelaide's part. Only a respectful nod, a symbol of understanding. But then she froze.
At this point, Nathan could tell what the reaction meant.

Overall, you clearly know what you're doing with grammar, and there were only a few tiny problems! I suggest you do a quick reread and edit, but other than that, well done!

Characters: [no score -- will not be added to final score]

(Since there are only four written chapters, I won't be giving a score. I like to make sure I've read enough about characters to know them and judge them properly, but, that being said, I loved them all a lot!)

Even if there were only three chapters, I could get a sense of the characters—which is wonderful, so good job! I loved how your main character wasn't clichéd and overused, he was smart and no-nonsense, and clearly liked to know what he was doing. I loved reading about him because he seemed like a genuinely nice person, and someone I would love to get to know! His anxiety was a very realistic touch.

Adelaide, too, was really realistic! I loved how 3D her fear was. I already started enjoying her and Nathan's dynamic and was super interested to how their friendship will develop.

The Director himself was extremely psychotic. I could tell there was a heavy influence from his past that directly related to the kidnapping, and I was really excited to see how the acts went on (and what the Director's past was).

This was definitely one of your strongest points, as I really enjoyed your characters!

Writing Style: 5/5

I loved your writing style! It let the plot move at a wonderful pace, and didn't spend too much time on descriptions that made it over-the-top. It was an easy, but fun read—which made me enjoy the story quite a lot.

A small suggestion would be to always try to not have a lot of "they did this" sentences in a row, but I didn't see you doing this too much (and I'm being very nit-picky).

Plot + Originality: 5/5

I really enjoyed the plot! If I had to be super judge-y, I would say that I have read of the 'kidnapped by a psycho' plot line before. However, I think you have a wonderful twist to it, and made it completely your own! It was an extremely unique (yet realistic) setting which I highly enjoyed reading! Well done.

OVERALL SCORE: 18.5/20

Overall, you have the beginnings of a wonderful story. I think, with the right development, this could be a wonderful thriller to read! There are some very small errors that I suggest you clean, but they're small and hard to notice. I think you've done a great job! Sorry there wasn't too much feedback towards the end there, but I hope this helps anyway!