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Review by Lone Wolf: The Endless War

Title: The Endless War

Author: hridiv

Reviewer: GryffindorsLoneWolf

Summary: 3/5

I like how you give a good overview of the book, without revealing too much. It sounds a little exaggerated though, when you mention how it's the greatest war in history (like a little cliché), without giving a description of why it's labelled as that. If the war is going on during the story, how can it be labelled World War 3, the greatest of all the World Wars? The World Wars weren't named that during the era in which they occurred; historians dubbed them that well after they were done. Enemies is spelled with an 'ies' not 'ys'. You've got several other grammatical errors, but they're not too obvious at a glance. Overall, I think it's a decent summary, just needs a bit of rewording and editing.

Grammar: 2/5

I think there's some trouble with verb tenses. You keep ending some of the verbs with 'ing' instead of 'ed' (you've written part of it with a past tense). You're also missing commas. 

Dialogue tags: when ending with something like he said, you can use a comma in front of it instead of a period. You don't have to use 'said' all the time. Use a variety of words (something I'll go over in writing style.

I highly suggest using an editor (on this site or somewhere else). There are too many errors for me to point out in this section. Spelling errors, wrong word choice, lack of punctuation or overuse of them...if English isn't your first language, please visit the editing section of our community! There are awesome people who can help you here.

Character Building: 2/5

There isn't very much of this. A lot of the writing is spent on dialogue, a little bit of action (like them suddenly leaving home). These kids are teenagers; they don't sound like them. Teen years are some of the most turbulent years a person will have. There's a lot going on (hormones, problems with family, school, and in the case of this story, the war ravaging their world). I didn't get that feeling from this story.

They all sound more like ten-year-olds to me. Okay, our dads are gone, let's go save them (with absolutely no preparation or thoughts about how their families will feel). That's not something someone who's seventeen would do.

There are no descriptions of the characters or their surroundings. I don't even know what country they're in at the start of the story. There are no emotions on their part.

Like in chapter five, if my child was going to a war where their dad was already kidnapped and being tortured in, I wouldn't be able to speak.

"Now Daniel, listen carefully. If in case the situation becomes too difficult, please just come back. I can't bear the loss of you too." she said.

My take: 

"Daniel--" she whispered.

I looked at her. She seemed to be struggling with forming words; her mouth kept opening and closing, much like a fish. Tears spilled out of her eyes as she blubbered, "Daniel, listen-listen carefully. If it ever becomes too difficult, just come back. I can't bear to lose you too."

She broke off again, doubling over in sobs as she clutched my shoulders.

Little bit more wordy, but it conveys more emotions

Writing Style: 1/5

I don't think it's necessary to devote a chapter just to tell the reader where the divisions lie. It would've been interesting to see where China and Russia laid though, if you wanted to add a realistic touch (considering how much they both control these days, as well as the power they wield).

Usually numbers aren't written in their numerical form, they're written with words (two instead of 2).

You need separate paragraphs for dialogue if it's two different people talking. I'll use an example I found in Chapter 2:

"HI guys." I said dully. "Hi Daniel, we are currently finding Fresh. Her mother said that he left a few minutes ago for the function but he's nowhere to be found." emma said.

Here's my take: 

"Hey guys," I huffed. "What's up?"

Emma looked up and gave a half-grin. "We're looking for Fresh. His mom said he'd left a while back for the function, but we can't find him."

There's no need to make it wordier than needed. Sometimes, keeping it simple is the best. Also, in this area, you kept switching gender pronouns for Fresh (going from she to he, her to him).

There's absolutely no descriptions of the characters. No emotions to make them feel like they're human. No small quirks that they have to make the reader relate to them. It was an explanation of their feelings, marked with 'he said' or 'she said'

Plot + Originality: 2/5

The plot moves way too fast for us to even get to know the characters. I do like how it's set in a World War III society, but even then, that kind of thing is cliched (everything these days is, to be honest.)

Your chapters are too short to give the reader a good idea of what's going on. I suggest going back and adding descriptions, emotions and having an editor go through it. It'd be a great story (given the lack of romance!), but it's lacking a lot right now. I know you asked me to comment more on plot and uniqueness...but I really can't the way it is right now.

OVERALL SCORE: 10/25