Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Lone Wolf: Tale of Anarkhand

Title: Tale of Anarkhand

Author: Selly1010

Reviewer: GryffindorsLoneWolf

Summary: 2/5

I think you introduced the characters simply and nicely. However there are a few errors that I want to go over.

The very first sentence shouldn't be there. I don't think you need to tell the reader that it'll be a fiction story. If you want to introduce the world, then you can in another way. Here's my suggestion, just from reading the summary:

In a far off world called Helios, a young woman's life is about to be shaken up.

I'm not sure why in the next few paragraphs you're missing verbs, but there needs to be verbs. For example, in the paragraph about Hans you write ​Hans Dragomir the crown prince of Anarkhand. ​ You're just describing him and it's not a complete sentence.

Here's my suggestion: 

Hans Dragomir, the crown prince of Anarkhand, is very ambitious; he wants to conquer other kingdoms. His goal is to make them submit to him, and become a great ruler of the world.

When you're listing things, always have an 'and' or 'or' depending on the situation. For example, in the last paragraph:

They face struggles, sadness, and betrayal along the way. Can fate unite the both of them?

Grammar: [no score - not added to final score]

I know you said in the introduction that English isn't your first language (which I commend you for! Thank you for letting your readers know). For that reason, I don't want to comment in this area. I suggest going to an editor to get help grammar wise. They're great at cleaning up things that even I can't pick up on and can really help!

Character Building: 2/5

I think you build the world up decently, like the surroundings. With the characters however, it's difficult to see them, because the only descriptions the reader can work off of are ones with just the hair and eyes. There's got to be more than just trivial physical descriptions.

She's grown up with Javier. Instead of just describing Javier's past with so many sentences, keep it simple. Show their relationship; I'm guessing the two of them would act more like
siblings/close friends (if she's got a crush on him I don't know, that's why I included the clsoe friends). There's got to be things that she'll noticed about Javier that others won't notice. Don't just tell us about the characters and their relationships with others. Show it in dialogues, show it to us in scenes.

Writing Style: 1/5

Writing style tends to tie into grammar, so I'm going to go over this area lightly.

You jump the character POVs within a chapter (I'm not talking overall). If the story is being told from Misa's point of view, then why would Javier be speaking? If Lucas is coming from the city, how would he know Tristan and who Tristan is? I like the idea of changing the point of view with every other chapter, but having consistency with the characters is key to having an awesome story.

There are some parts of the story where you are very wordy, but despite being wordy, it fails to show us what's really going on. There are areas where things are repeatedly said or over describing. There are also incredibly unnecessary details; always ask yourself whether you really need it and if it's really important in the grand scheme of your story. Will this minor detail about the maid helping Hans dress be important when he's searching for Misa?

This also bothered me a little bit, but Misa is a girl. You tend to use 'his' or 'he' when you're describing her, when you should use 'her' or 'she'.

Plot + Originality: 2/5

It's definitely unique. Every fantasy story is in it's own way. I think you set the background very well, with the family dynamics and magic.

But the grammatical errors overshadow a majority of the story. They make it difficult to read and the lack of descriptions of the characters and emotions causes the story to fall flat. Going to an editor can definitely help!

OVERALL SCORE: 7/20