Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Lone Wolf: December

Title: December

Author: Valdmiro03

Reviewer: GryffindorsLoneWolf

Summary: 2/5

It's really vague. There are a lot of stories that come under the 'slice-of-life' category: what makes yours different from all the rest?

You're also missing a comma after truth and a period at the end of your sentences. Also, if you're going to give definitions, I'd suggest using a chapter for that, instead of putting it in your summary, unless you start off with something like:

Maya is the illusion or appearance of the phenomenal world, while Muxima is the heart. What happens when these two collide?

Grammar: 1/5

Commas. The first thing I saw were too many commas, just when giving it a look over. Those are tell-tale signs of run on sentences. For example, the first sentence could be split up like this:

*Today she walked closer than ever; her concentrated presence dwelled not long, for she marked territory in places I never perceived in my being. Her short stay arose fear in me, fear of my throbbing heart. The mass of sweat on my forehead would've made one foresee petrichor. ​  

Use semicolons to split up sentences (two independent clauses cannot be joined without a conjunction, unless you're using a semicolon).

You've also got some areas where some things should be capitalized (like I, instead of i) . 

Usually, when writing numbers, writers don't use the numerical form.

Some of your verbs switch to the present tense. If you need help differentiating between present and past tense, I suggest ray_of_sunshine9 and her awesome book, 101 Tips From An Exhausted Reviewer! She's the head of this community and has amazing tips and tricks to help writers of every level.

Character Building: 1/5

I understand that this is an inner monologue of the main character, but I couldn't see the characters at all. What do they look like? The monologue just felt endless and repeated over and over again. What's really going on in this story?

I'd suggest looking into it and seeing if you want to add descriptions to it. Just from the overview of the story, I can see that you're not likely to add more chapters to it. But adding a little description can make the story so much better.

Writing Style: 2/5

I dig your verbiage. I did have to look up a couple of words, just because I hadn't been exposed to them, so I'd suggest maybe using a bit more simpler language. But you've got an awesome writing style.

But there are so many run-ons. You should try splitting the sentences up with either semicolons or at least ending them with periods.

I know I said that it felt like you weren't likely to make more chapters...but I highly recommend that you do, instead of having just Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3, you could have Chapter 1, Chapter 2, and Chapter 3. It'd give you more room to add descriptions and some action, in place of just an inner reflection.

Plot + Originality: 2/5

To me there didn't seem to be much of a plot; just the MC reflecting on a few things they'd gone through. I will say honestly that I was confused as to what was going on with Maya and Maxima. The MC's emotions were very clear, but the ending just felt rushed an inconclusive

It is unique however. It'd make a great short story, if you refined it a bit and added descriptions.

OVERALL SCORE: 8/25