Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Lone Wolf: Only Human

Title: Only Human

Author: JokeWasOnMe

Reviewer: GryffindorsLoneWolf

Summary: 3/5

I don't know why, but you've got spelling errors in your summary, as well as an unnecessary capitalization. The summary itself seems sufficient: it's got a level of suspense and introduces us to our character. My other suggestion for this area is to add a little bit more description or suspense, just to entice the reader.

Grammar: 3/5

I know you asked me to look over grammar, but I didn't see too many things that stood out to me. However, there were several things that kept occurring.

- I think when it comes to dialogue tags and their associated grammar, you've missed areas where there should be periods, and where there should be commas. I'd suggest going over it online.

- Speaking of periods, you seem to be missing a few at the ends of some paragraphs (or sentences for that matter). Make sure not to make simple mistakes like this.

- There are some areas where you write an adverb before the verb. I'd suggest switching it around (it sounded odd to me). Like in one area, you write "slowly air was being denied him." First off, the air isn't being denied of Master Garnet, it's the other way around (at least I'm hoping so). My suggestion for this sentence would be "Master Garnet feebly grasped his neck, as he was denied air slowly."

- I noticed you write the numbers in their numerical form. I'd suggest writing out the words (as from what I've seen, most people don't use numbers in their writing, unless it's playing a major role).

- You use the verb 'was' a lot...it's almost painfully repetitive, leaving your story in a very passive voice. I would highly suggest using different verbs, and not relying on 'was'.

Character Building: 4/5

I can really see the characters. You describe them in a simplistic, yet strong manner. They've got notable characteristics that play well into their personalities. I'd suggest lengthening the screen time the characters have, or a scene (like maybe a battle) instead of having it in short chunks.

Harper's a strong first person character (and no, I'm not talking about her abilities haha). She notices things really quickly, and doesn't hesitate when someone's hurting her friends. It makes her a relatable character. And it drew me to her instantly.

I really enjoyed the other characters, whether they were good or bad. They don't waver in what they believe in and your writing helped them come across.

Writing Style: 2/5

- I'm not sure why but you've got a lot of short, choppy sentences that look like they should be conjoined with commas instead of being separated with periods. 

- Always, always, always separate dialogues when different characters are speaking. It makes it easier to read and doesn't cause confusion for the reader.

- I will say that I liked your descriptions. They were strong without being overly wordy or cliché and clear cut.

- I'd suggest not doing '?...' I get what emotion you're trying to convey, but using '...?' might be better.

- Stick to one kind of POV. I really liked Harper''s first person point of view writing. You've got a talent for writing in the first person POV (which to me, seems to be the hardest!) But writing in first person point of view for so many chapters and suddenly switching to a third person POV (Dakota's chapter) looks really unprofessional and odd.

Plot + Originality: 3/5

I'm not going to judge much of the plot, because I didn't read all of it, but I will say you've got pretty good pacing in some of the areas. Other areas looked a bit rushed. I'd suggest asking an editor to go over and point out the areas that might be moving too fast.

But your story's definitely unique. I hope you'll publish the chapters soon!

OVERALL SCORE: 15/25