Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: Bright Midnight

Title: Bright Midnight

Author: DavidEAnderson100

Summary: 4/5

I really, really enjoyed your summary. The final line makes your story sound almost like a social commentary, and it did give me chills – well done. I like how you seamlessly introduce the protagonist, the setting, and the overall themes and conflict that make the story. Great work!

I do wonder, however, if you could flesh it out a bit more. Right now, it feels like I'm just about to read a story where the protagonist was doomed from the beginning (unless, of course, this was your intention – in that case, good work). Maybe consider adding a sentence so that the reader feels like there is a sense of hope, that we are reading to find out whether Nick's life will spiral completely out of control or whether he'll be able to find some way to stop that from happening.

If not that, then maybe consider adding a sentence more about Terry. Right now, we have a sentence about Terry, but it doesn't really link to anything. My assumption is that the dark web of drugs is due to Terry, but consider adding a small, "With Terry's influence, Nick is..." – something that makes it more fluent, and something that makes the sentence about Terry carry some weight.

I realise I'm saying a lot about a summary that is already really good. Mind you, I think your summary is pretty fantastic – these are just some points I would consider fleshing out. Also, double-check your punctuation. For example:

As he struggles to cope with depression and a growing sense of alienation he finds himself drawn to his enigmatic best-friend Terry...

For the sentence to be fluent, you need to add the following comma:

As he struggles to cope with depression and a growing sense of alienation, he finds himself drawn to his enigmatic best-friend...

Grammar: 3.5/5

Overall, your story is very polished, clean and easy to read. Well done! There were just a few things I picked up on.

If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Hi Nick," I looked up and saw Sue's friend.

It should be:

"Hi Nick." I looked up and saw Sue's friend.

Next, I'm finding that, similar to the issue I found in the summary, you have missing commas throughout your story. For example:

When he failed to ascertain any real fear in my eyes the shaven-headed youth scowled.

To make the sentence fluent, separate the independent clause from the dependent clause like so:

When he failed to ascertain any real fear in my eyes, the shaven-headed youth scowled.

Also, watch out for capitalisation. There were times you had words capitalised that did not need capitalisation. For example:

"Good lad Pop this, an' go and give that dark-haired bit one for me..."

The 'pop' should not be capitalised. I would also consider adding a comma so that it's:

"Good lad, pop this, an' go and give that dark-haired bit one for me..."